


Can't Breathe

by ItFeelsLikeHome



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2018-11-14 22:07:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 38,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11217216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItFeelsLikeHome/pseuds/ItFeelsLikeHome
Summary: Set in the future in an AU where Aaron and Robert are not together.  After 5 years apart, Robert returns to the village and sees Aaron loved up with another man.I have to say that I really don't like myself after this fic, but since a lot of people were discussing angsty fics on DS on Wednesday, I thought I'd give it a go.





	1. Chapter 1

‘Robert, do you want to go somewhere else?’

The words were said with a fork-lift truck’s worth of sympathy, but that wasn’t what was making Robert’s eyes sting. He wanted to drag his eyes away from the sight that left them burning, but it seemed like today he was intent on self-harming. 

He deserved it because Aaron - his Aaron that he had foolishly thought would always be his even when he had been absent from the village for the last five years - was all over another man. Aaron’s arms circled the blond’s back smoothing over the crinkles in his new lover’s taut t-shirt. There was no possibility they weren’t lovers with the way that Aaron’s hands sneaked down the groove of his spine to just above his belt, before feeling the curve of that man’s bum beneath his baggy jeans. That man - the one that didn’t seem to want to let go of Aaron - filled Robert’s throat with bile that he was sure he was going to retch all over his pint, the table and, quite possibly, Victoria. 

Speaking seemed like an impossible task, but he had to struggle swallowing the hard boulder that was at the back of his throat or he would quite literally die. Heaving was the only way to describe his breathing as his lungs had given up their residence in his chest and were replaced with two large weights. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ The words came out dark and heavy.

‘I couldn’t very well tell you the truth that Aaron was with someone new. You wouldn’t have come home and I’ve missed you.’

‘I’m surprised what with me not being a baby.’ 

Victoria winced at the reminder of her foolish behaviour. ‘Don’t start, Robert.’

She could have gone into a diatribe of all the mistakes she had made five years ago, but she could see her brother was in pain. So, she let it slide. He felt her shoulders fall and her stance relax; however, that was something his body refused to do. 

He wanted to see Aaron’s face, to witness him turn around and see those familiar blue eyes that he was forever lost in, that facial hair that he loved stroking and missed rubbing up against his thighs or against his mouth. 

Every time he thought Aaron was going to turn in his direction, the blond stepped in his way and blocked Robert’s view of Aaron. 

‘How long’s he been seeing him for?’ Robert asked the question but his eyes didn’t glance over Vic once for a response. He hoped she hadn’t heard him or perhaps had decided that sparing him the answer was the sisterly thing to do. Because as soon as he had said the words, he regretted the question. Why would he want to know how long Aaron had been sleeping with, kissing, spooning, laughing with a man that wasn’t him? Why would he ever want to know about any man Aaron was with? It seemed like a torture he could do without. Yet, he was still watching them. Watching the blond kiss Aaron. Really kiss him with tongues and not bothering who was around to see it. 

‘About a year,’ was Victoria’s answer. 

It was serious, then. Perhaps Chas approved. Maybe even Liv tolerated him. Paddy probably wasn’t scrutinising every move made by Blond in anticipation of when he was going to screw up and hurt Aaron. Maybe all three of them had been glad when Robert left and had welcomed this new man with open arms. 

Maybe somebody had realised it had been a good thing because he sure as hell regretted leaving the minute he had arrived in that grimy, dim bed and breakfast in Leeds. It was even worse when he’d tried to sleep in that foreign bed that first night without Aaron. But sleep hadn’t acted as respite for the deadening pain in his whole body because every hour he kept looking at his phone, hoping that Aaron would call and beg him to come home to work on their relationship. 

Jealousy had always been called the ‘Green Eyed Monster’, but deep inside Robert’s stomach he knew a bitter and broken version of himself was hiding and screaming for Aaron to look at him, to see him once again, to allow their lips to crash together, to let themselves get lost in that whirlwind of passion and love. It was tearing him up inside, destroying the walls he had built around his heart because nobody else was what he wanted. No other man or woman he had tried sleeping with since had ever come close.

Aaron. Why did he think he could walk away and find someone else when his whole reason for being was miles away in Emmerdale? 

Blond moved away from Aaron at the same time that Aaron turned around. Robert trembled at the look on Aaron’s face: he was smiling, eyes dancing playfully. But that was juxtaposed with the shaded look that darkened his face, the pain shooting through his eyes, as he fixed them on Robert. 

That look haunted his dreams the night he left. Even now when he closed his eyes, he could still see the pain in Aaron’s blue swirls. It had been painted on Aaron’s face for months, but neither of them had been brave enough to do anything about it. They’d pretended everything was fine - wearing those facades for everyone else - but when they were alone it had been hard. Like papering over the cracks of a house or building castles on quicksand. 

Within seconds, Aaron’s face changed and he was showcasing a broad smile. If Robert hadn’t known Aaron so well, he would have guessed Aaron was happy. However, the smile wasn’t extending to his eyes. The sexy grin was there, but he turned to Blond and kissed him long and deep. 

He knew seeing Aaron with another man would always instil that type of anger. He had to bite his lips from grinding his teeth and yelling for them to stop. He had the urge to clench his fists, but he sat on them instead. And as he watched them kiss, swapping saliva in a way that ripped through his heart, Robert slid one hand up to his trouser pocket, grappling inside and fitted his thumb through his wedding ring as far as it would go in. 

And when he settled it back in its secure place, and only after that, he walked out of the pub. As he entered the crisp November air, he let all the anger, pain and guilt flood out in a deluge that had been built up for five years. Then he finally began to cry with ragged breaths that he didn't know how to stop.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron goes back to the Mill with his new boyfriend, but he can't shake the effect of seeing Robert again has on him.

Within seconds of closing the Mill front door, Aaron pressed Si against it with hands grasping for his face, lips seeking comfort in his mouth as Aaron rubbed himself up against him. And despite the relentless feeling his whole body was sinking in, Aaron proceeded in taking off Si’s clothes. No matter how arduous it felt, he forced himself do it - after all Si was his boyfriend and they should take pleasure in each other. It was a natural thing, kissing your boyfriend, but he couldn’t evade the feeling that _these_ were the wrong tasting lips and _those_ hands were too stubby and fat. 

No, he wasn’t doing it because of what had happened earlier that night. No, definitely not. He was doing it because he fancied Si. What wasn’t there to like? He was tall, blond and had blue-green eyes. 

_‘He’s just another Robert.’_ That had been his mother’s comment. _‘You do see the similarities, don’t you?’_ But then, he supposed she was right. However, she hadn’t been aware of how many ‘Roberts’ there had been. The countless times he was going to bars and picking up randoms hoping to feel something rather than that gnawing ache. The torment had started in his chest, but weeks after Robert had left it possessed his whole body until he was gasping and wheezing for breath like a lung cancer patient. Any dark-haired man that crossed his path, he’d ignored and honed his attention onto those blond-haired men he was searching for. He wasn’t trying to find another Robert. He just… what was he doing? 

He blinked back tears not wanting to contemplate it all. The wound to his heart was still too inflamed and raw, had been too harrowing to really take in, so he thought about work and what he needed to do the next day. And as Si moved inside him to the gentle monotonous rhythm that seemed to mark their sex life, and as Si reached his release, Aaron felt the perfunctory act had been completed and he planted the artificial smile on his face that had been a constant throughout their relationship.

He detested what he had become. But then for a long while he couldn’t look in the mirror, couldn’t even catch his own gaze and hold it. It was self-preservation and without it he would crumble. 

Si’s spoons never lasted very long, and he usually started snoring not long after. That meant Aaron was left staring at the ceiling in his bedroom. The white paint seemed to be chipping at the edges, and he noticed a spider’s web in the corner of the room. His eyes lowered to the beige walls that Robert had painstakingly painted with the help of Liv, Adam and Ronnie five years ago. The walls had been painted for him and Robert, but now it was only Aaron that got to stare at it daily while tears streamed down his face. 

He turned to Si, whose breaths were regular and consistent. Si had been patient and kind, but he couldn’t deny to himself that something was missing. Someone was missing in his heart. Si was gentle, but he didn’t give Aaron those feelings. 

There were no zingles. 

A few weeks after Robert had left, Aaron had been in the pub nursing a pint along with several cuts on his arms where he had slashed at them in an outburst of outrage and agony. Marlon had approached with his speciality: Seafood Hotch Potch.

‘Your mum asked me to bring you this.’

‘I’m not hungry.’ He didn’t even look up from his pint as he swirled the last remnants of liquid round and round. If the swirls became fast and frequent, he could maybe hypnotise himself to not feel anything ever again. Yes, he'd be numb but at least he wouldn't have to walk around in this much torture because of one man.

‘She’s worried about you. We all are.’

‘I don’t know why. I’m fine.’ He’d stopped running a few weeks ago - the same week that Liv had noticed the fresh cut on his arm and had grassed to his mum and Paddy about it. He was still cutting but areas that were out of reach from their view. 

‘You’re not. You’ve lost weight with all that running.’

And his feet had been bleeding last week, after prodding at old wounds that he wouldn't let heal, but he wasn’t going to let the Dingle pack know that. 

‘Aaron, I know it’s really not my place but perhaps Robert leaving is a good thing. You know, you can now find someone who gives you the zingles.’

‘Zingles? Is that a new STD that I haven’t heard of?’

‘You know that tingly feeling you get when you’re in the company of someone that gives you tingles but with a zing? Somebody to light up around and bring you to life, not create more misery.’

The blood dissipated from his face and seemed to be flooding out of his whole body, while he clawed for breaths that just weren’t coming. He was breathing, but it felt like there was no oxygen and no reprieve. How could Marlon say that? Could he not see? Did he not know? 

The words he spoke were sombre and cumbersome - but then all his words seemed to be restricted with the same weight. ‘I had that with Robert. I was happy. He brought me to life.’

Realisation had thrown up all over Marlon’s face, but Aaron could still see the sympathy in Marlon’s eyes. ‘I didn’t know. I’m sorry.’

He was sure Marlon would spout out some meaningless platitudes that would leave him feeling more despair and less hopeful. But what was the point in any of it, when Robert had given up on their relationship so soon. So instead of even finishing his pint, he walked out of the pub and leapt into that initial one night stand with the first Robert lookalike. He hated himself after the first time knowing how meaningless it was, but the sex had been average. And for the brief half hour, he didn’t feel like his world had been shattered into small fragments just like he knew Robert had broken his heart into the same shards that could never be fixed. But after it had finished, after he had left the unfamiliar bedroom, the full force of it hit him like a demolition job on a family home filled with so many loving and joyful memories. He even felt like he was betraying Robert. When he got home to an empty Mill, he was sick before he even struggled to get to the toilet. 

He got out of bed opening his sock drawer, careful that his rifling through wasn’t going to wake Si because he didn’t really want to have that conversation. He grappled for the box that was underneath his socks until he found it: the red box that used to hold two rings on those two special days but now only held one. Opening it, he took out the silver band that used to have pride of place on his ring finger. He missed the weight of it, missed its significance, missed the commitment and the link to Robert. Placing the ring back into its delve in the velvet inlay, he padded towards the bin. 

What was the point in keeping it, if Robert had returned and taken up residence in Emmerdale again? There had been no point in keeping it when Robert walked away from their relationship all those years ago, so why was he still holding on to it, clinging onto some sliver of a chance that everything would go back to how it was before Rebecca and the baby? 

Robert hadn’t been willing to work on their relationship, so he had lost the right to those zingles. The zingles that Aaron still felt when Robert was in his vicinity. 

When he got to the bin, he placed it in on top of used condoms and tissues. He and Si always used protection. It was a layer of protection from STIs, but Aaron saw it as a layer of protection from total intimacy - the intimacy he had with Robert. Even after a year, he was still holding Si at arm’s length. 

He then padded back to bed, wondering how long it would take this time. The longest recorded time was fifteen minutes and that had been on the day of their third wedding anniversary when their wedding song had played on the radio in the portacabin, and Aaron couldn't escape it. He had been sure that it would be the shortest time; however, he guessed his resolve was down to all the anger bubbling up inside him rather than actually missing Robert. Missing Robert was something he had to put up with, something that was a constant dull ache that had never disappeared during the last five years and he knew with certainty that it wouldn’t disappear in the next five. 

He got back into bed, glad that he hadn’t woken Si up, and laid there glancing at his bedside clock in order to time himself. 11:52. 

By about 11:56 his hands started itching and he knew he was getting restless. He tapped his feet, and even drummed his thumbs against his chest. He couldn’t stop his whole body from tapping, knowing that something was wrong. 

At 11:58 he felt that his lungs had stopped working and no oxygen was finding their way through his airways. He took deep breaths, but the lungs were contracting and restricted. 

At 12:00 he got back up, pushing the covers away from him not even bothering to now look at Si. He had to retrieve it. He ached to put it back. There was an urgency to it that he couldn't ignore. 

His right hand went to the bin, picked up the red box, opened the ring to check on it again, before putting it back into his sock drawer.

And as he placed it at the furthest end behind those socks he rarely wore, his breathing came back long and regular. But instead of laying back in bed next to Si, he put on a pair of socks, his black jeans, a black hoodie and shoes and escaped the suffocating feeling of the house. 

He closed the front door behind him and let the darkness - similar to the darkness he knew was inside his heart - guide him to their bridge. Heaving, realising that his breathing had become laboured again, he let the tears take over. Fat salty blobs rolled down his cheeks, but he didn’t wipe them away. A gamut of emotions exuded from him that were always linked to Robert. 

But in his mind, he had resolved to not go there again. Never. No way. 

However, he knew how weak that resolve was where Robert Sugden was involved.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert goes to the portacabin for a meeting with Jimmy and bumps into the two people he was dreading seeing.

Robert’s mouth circled into its familiar large yawn, as he stepped out of his car. The gravel crunched under his feet, was quite harsh as he trudged to the portacabin, but none of that mattered. 

All that mattered was Aaron. 

Kissing him. Wrapping his arms around Aaron. Feeling the touch of his skin graze against Aaron's. Getting lost inside him as they rode a wave of passion and ecstasy until he gave into that dizzying sensation that filled his whole body. The same body that was now aching for Aaron and the possibility of giving their relationship another chance. He knew the possibility of it happening was the same as Aaron wearing a red jumper instead of his staple black and grey. He knew Aaron would never trust him again not to walk away. If he was being truthful, he knew he didn’t deserve his ex-husband’s time or energy.

Ex-husband. 

He detested that term. He never wanted them to end up this way. Aaron was never supposed to be an ex of any sort. He was always supposed to be the one. The one Robert wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The one that never got away. 

The very idea of Aaron never speaking to him again was something that he didn’t even want to contemplate. He knew that he would be locked away in a mental institute if it ever happened. Aaron was everything he had been searching for wrapped up in a moody, but so frustratingly sexy, man that Robert didn’t want to live another moment without him. 

It had been three days since he’d seen Aaron in The Woolpack with his new boyfriend. Robert’s stomach had been tilting on its axis for those 72 hours until he was sure the small contents of it would be all over the ground. Believing he and Aaron were over would result in him taking a skydive without a parachute and nosediving into a complete breakdown. One thing that had kept him going for the last five years was that every day away from Aaron was a day working his way back to reuniting with him. 

He could have abandoned Emmerdale again and turned his back on Aaron for the second time; however, he wasn’t willing to do that, didn’t even think it was an option. The realisation that Robert wanted his ex-husband back wasn’t some light bulb moment. It hadn’t dawned on him with a high-pitched ping and dramatic music wasn’t emphasising the special occasion as he came to the conclusion. No, it was something that he wanted as soon as he walked away on that day five years ago. He had lost his backbone, knew that Aaron didn’t want him - hadn’t really wanted him for a long while, not really - and so he stayed away hoping that with time Aaron’s icy exterior would melt. He hadn’t banked on Aaron’s storm being raw and bitter like Siberia in the deepest depths of Winter. 

He refused to leave Keepers Cottage for those three days because he was avoiding any more sightings of Blond being superglued to Aaron’s lips, hips or other body part. He knew Vic was despairing of him: _‘You do realise you’ve no way of winning him back, if you’re going to mope around my house.’_ He knew Vic was right, but what could he do when Aaron was going home to that prat every night. 

Trepidation filled his whole body leaving it trembling as he imagined Blond kissing Aaron, nibbling his ear, grabbing onto his neck to steady himself. Robert stopped in his tracks using his breathing in and out as an anchor. Forcing and pushing the image of Aaron with another man, making love to the Blond prat, out of his mind was something he had to do. Then maybe the tremors could stop and the tumour in his throat could disappear. Why was he even putting himself through more torture? Why did he agree to discuss Home James at the portacabin, of all places, when there was a definite chance he would see Aaron and a small chance he would see Blond? 

Steadying himself as he got to the steps, he yearned for Aaron to not be there and wished he had slept well the previous night. He’d put on his best blue suit and tie to wow Aaron in case he was there. Aaron may have moved on to someone else, but Robert prided himself in his appearance and took more care when it came to impressing Aaron. However, he couldn’t hide the dark bags that were a permanent fixture under his eyes. It was all down to his current sleeping pattern that seemed to have become the norm for the last five years: writhing around in that giant bed and never getting any reprieve until his eyes were heavy and they gave up their constant fight. He’d grown accustomed to getting the maximum of four hours sleep a night even if his body felt drained and tired around the clock. 

He stifled a yawn and dug his feet into the steps leading towards the portacabin until his hands were frozen on the door knob. What if they were in there together? What if Blond was breathing Aaron’s name in between sinking himself into Aaron? What if Aaron was slipping over the edge into bliss as Blond pounded into him? He imagined Aaron giving Blond that look that had been specifically for Robert alone. The look that he used to give Robert where he was past the point of no return and was waiting for that delicious release. Robert pined for that look. He pined for all of Aaron’s looks: happy, sad, serious, romantic and all the emotions in between. 

Fate was playing with him again when he stepped into the portacabin, as Aaron’s eyes automatically went to the door and locked onto Robert. Feeling like he was a main character in one of those annoyingly saccharine, slushy romantic comedies, the cinema reel in Robert’s head played a montage of looks Aaron had given him. The looks where there was so much passion and love between the two of them that he had to bite the inside of his mouth to stop himself from screaming about how in love he was with Aaron. And how he was grinning so proud that the muscles in his cheeks were aching from the constant smile planted on his face. All of these images were playing on a loop in his mind accompanied by that track - the one he hadn’t heard in awhile but always brought him back to that moment when he was the happiest he had ever been. _‘Technically it’s standing.’_ He’d loved the banter they had. Had. Past tense. His heart grieved for that missing time, the missing them. 

Aaron chewed on his top lip. ‘I hate this song,’ he said with an acerbic tone, glancing at Robert before stamping the nearby radio off with the bottom of his clenched fist. He then turned his attention to his paperwork, giving Robert no importance and not even a second look. 

Robert tried to pretend that he wasn’t bothered, that Aaron’s lack of attention wasn’t bringing forth another storm of emotions. Feeling like a human waxwork at Madam Tussauds, his legs refused to move any closer to the desk Jimmy was working at. His dreams and even nightmares had been filled with images of Aaron that seeing him again was akin to a man dying of starvation and finally being allowed small morsels of food. His images of Aaron were always beautiful, but nothing compared to the real thing. He wanted to gorge on the sight of Aaron and finally be sated until his other senses could be invaded with the smell, taste, touch and sound of Aaron. 

‘Hi, Robert,’ Jimmy said giving him a big smile - the second person that had looked pleased to see him since his return. 

Aaron’s nose scrunched up at the mention of Robert’s name and he shared a knowing look with Adam. Robert would have paid all the gold in the world to find out what that look meant, what Aaron had been trying to say to Adam and vice versa. There was a brief show of Aaron’s teeth and a flair of his nostrils before he averted his eyes back to his paperwork. 

Knowing that was his cue to make his legs move, Robert dragged his feet and body away from viewing Aaron. When he finally managed to get over to the desk, he and Jimmy tried to have a meeting but within the first ten minutes the door opened and in walked Blond. Blond was wearing a brown Barbour coat, with a blue scarf wrapped around his neck, blue jeans and brown leather shoes. Blond’s blue-green eyes moved onto Robert, boring into his eyes with such intensity that Robert wondered if Blond was Superman trying to melt Robert’s eyes with his heat emitting powers. Robert had to chance the muppet’s powers: he knew that losing his eye contact might be classed as a defeat, an admission that Aaron was not his anymore, that he was Blond’s boyfriend. 

Blond became bored of grilling Robert’s eyes first and turned his attention to Aaron. Robert could understand. He would have given up the staring competition too, if he had the loving attentions of Aaron. 

Instead, Blond’s arm circled round Aaron’s back, squeezing his waist and even groping his bum. He seemed to be competing with Satan to ruin Robert’s day and placing him in his personal hell. He grabbed Aaron by the string of his hoodie and pulled him in until Blond was eating Aaron’s lips, devouring them so much that Robert had to inspect the imaginary fluff that was on his trouser leg. If he continued watching them and hearing their lips chomping and smacking, he knew that his fists would be smacking something else instead. Anger was bubbling under the surface and was nearly making its way up his osephagus. There was even a fleeting amount of bile in his mouth where he had brought up what little food he had eaten earlier. He knew it would eventually spill out and he wouldn’t be held responsible for anyone or anything in his way. 

‘Are you okay?’ It was whispered and Robert was glad of it. 

He looked up to see Jimmy’s face smothered in sympathy, which made the tears that he had been so intent on hiding from Aaron and Blond - not wanting to give either the benefit of the doubt - an arduous task to maintain and withhold. 

Shaking his head and forcing his tears to go, he struggled speaking. ‘I have to go. I can’t… I can’t -’ Claustrophobia was eating at his limbs until he was sure he would have no legs left to walk out of the room with. 

‘That’s fine, Robert. If that was another man all over Nico, my fist would be getting acquainted with his face.’

‘I… I-’

‘Just go.’

He got up, quite controlled and calm which he was amazed at because deep inside he was falling apart. However, the semblance of a calm man was quickly disappearing. The ground had been taken out of his world, and Aaron had moved on to someone else. Someone that might resemble Robert but certainly wasn’t him.

He walked out of the portacabin not looking or even noticing that Blond was following him out too. 

‘It’s Robert, isn’t it?’ The deep, harsh voice was alien to his ears, so he knew who it must be. 

Turning around he met the challenge with questions and a raised head. ‘Yeah? And you are?’

‘Si, Aaron’s _boyfriend_.’ He offered his chubby hand towards Robert as a sign of friendship, but Robert knew that by taking it he would be admitting defeat. The way Si had said ‘Aaron’s boyfriend’ made Robert wince because the implication of what it meant was so oppressive. It would have been more apt had he just urinated around the portacabin and expected Robert to have taken the hint. 

Robert looked from the proffered hand back up to Si’s hostile glare. What on earth did Aaron see in this muppet? He wasn’t even good looking. The only thing he had going for him was his blond hair. Eyes squinting in on Si, Robert sized him up. Maybe he was a stallion in bed. Maybe he got to witness the sexy minx that Aaron used to reserve for Robert. 

‘Fine. Suit yourself.’ Si lowered his hand. ‘I’m not naive. I know people talk in such a small village. I know about your history with Aaron.’

‘What does it matter when he’s your boyfriend?’ He felt himself stretching out taller, holding his head higher. He wasn’t going to let this prat bother him. 

‘You need to leave him alone.’

Robert produced an incredulous laugh. ‘Again what does it matter, if he’s _your_ boyfriend?’

‘I know the reason why you came back is Aaron, but he’s has moved on. You need to move on.’

A smirk protruded at Robert’s lips. ‘I’m a threat to you, aren’t I? Or else you wouldn’t be shaking in your boots and warning me off Aaron.’

‘No threat at all.’ It was steady and deep. 

‘So Aaron knows about you warning me off then?’

Si didn’t say anything.

‘You obviously don’t have a lot of confidence in your relationship then. But sadly I think you’re just a poor man’s me.’

He walked away feeling no where near as confident as he may have sounded. Yes Si may have resembled him in hair and eye colour alone but if Aaron didn’t want to give Robert another chance, then Robert had no say in the matter. And he feared that his days with Aaron were over. There would never be a reconciliation. And that meant that Robert knew his life was over.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is at the Bonfire Night's celebrations at The Woolpack with a clingy Si, a delicious Robert and the rest of his family.

It was mesmerizing the way it managed to fill out the whole of Robert’s jeans. But then Aaron knew Robert’s pert backside was always a sight for sore eyes. Robert had a great bum. Magnificent even. It was so full and squidgy that Aaron usually had to squeeze it whenever it was on display. It was like some unwritten rule that it needed to be felt. And that day was no different: it was just that it wasn’t Aaron’s place to squeeze the bum anymore. That hadn’t been his right for a long while, but that was all down to Robert. 

Perhaps he shouldn’t have been salivating over it, but what could he really do? It was on display and it was a damn sight better than checking out Si’s rear, which seemed to get swallowed up in his jeans as it was so non-existent. Plus, Aaron knew he missed it. It was just one facet of Robert that he was struggling to live without.

It had seemed since Robert’s return that every time he blinked there were tears forming behind his eyes. He wished he could quell the emotion in his throat, and the longing in his heart, but it turned out - as per usual when it came to Robert Sugden - his body never seemed to follow any damn instruction he gave it and had a mind of its own. It was a sod like that. 

That was one of the reasons why he had to drag his eyes away from Robert’s pert backside that was stood waiting at the bar, one in about ten that were waiting to get drinks before heading outside for the big event. Bonfire Night seemed to have brought his whole family out in full force, as well as the whole village, Adam, Si and of course Robert. 

Si’s presence was becoming suffocating. It seemed like wherever Aaron was, Si popped up trying to claim his territory and kissing him - grand sloppy gropes where his mouth was being overtaken, pushed aside with no emotion or gentleness - whenever Robert was around and he was in their vicinity an awful lot these days. 

Aaron turned to Si - blond hair swept across his forehead in a way that reminded him of Robert at the start of their affair. It seemed that every time he looked at Si now, all he could see was a poor man’s Robert. 

Robert had always consumed Aaron’s thoughts before, but since his return he was everywhere Aaron went. His hungry smile as he moved gently inside Aaron. His gorgeous eyes lighting up any room he walked into and that smile that always made Aaron feel giddy and weak at the knees. His lips pressed to Aaron’s neck exploring it even though the lips were experts at kissing it and had their own path in the dark. 

It didn’t help that Robert was all anyone was actually talking to him about as well. But he kept his rather x-rated thoughts to himself. 

Robert moaning Aaron’s name as he plunged deeper, filling Aaron up, making him whole, as Robert's delicious, salty, warm goodness exploded inside him. Robert spooning him, chin resting on his neck and warm breath against his skin. Robert’s kisses all over his body, sucking and nibbling and licking until his own love and passion for Robert erupted in a mess of white stickiness. A mess that Robert always swallowed and said was his favourite taste in the entire world. 

As though Robert was privy to Aaron’s thoughts, he turned around and clocked eyes onto Aaron. The feel of Robert’s blue-green eyes on him was enough to force the air out of his lungs, to make him feel like someone had ripped open his chest and squeezed any oxygen out that was left in his windpipe. How had he survived for so long without looking into those refreshing lakes masquerading as Robert’s eyes? How had he survived without the feel of Robert’s touch and scent and kiss? All things that made him tremble with pleasure. 

He knew that there was longing in his gaze, knew that he was seriously heading into murky waters especially when his current boyfriend was sat millimetres away from him at their circular table. The brick wall he had put up around his heart, to protect him from getting hurt again, had a door carved in and a key he knew Robert would always possess. He knew it was only a matter of time before his boxers would be down and they’d be naked in whichever bed was the nearest, or another available make-shift bed they could find, which is why Robert had to leave Emmerdale for good before Aaron’s resolve disappeared. 

He felt Si’s arm go around his shoulder and a slobbery kiss being planted on his cheek. He had to resist the urge to wipe it off in disgust. How would that look to Si? How would it look to Robert?

‘Shall we head outside?’ The question was coming from Si. ‘We don’t want to miss the fireworks.’

Aaron nodded but not before sneaking another glance at Robert. He was still looking over, eyes still brimming with desire and pining. In his peripheral vision, Aaron could see his mother not trying to mask her own feelings for Robert as she stood behind the bar. If her looks had anything to go by, she also wanted him out of the village but not in a car or on a bus. In a box instead as daggers were thrown from her eyes to Robert’s oblivious face.

‘Yeah, we should go outside,’ came the voice of Paddy, who had returned from the men’s toilets. ‘Me and Aaron will see you out there in a second.’

Aaron turned to Paddy, searching for his face and realising that it was serious and he knew he was in for a warning. 

‘Oh, alright,’ Si said. His face had fallen, eyes downcast and lips turning down into a frown. ‘We’ll see you out there.’ He planted a kiss on Aaron’s lips - not a quick peck but one that found him seeking out Aaron’s tongue again, making Aaron nearly retch as it was vying to go down his throat. 

When everybody had cleared the pub floor, even Robert who seemed to be rubbernecking as he walked out of the door, Aaron crossed his arms knowing full well what Paddy was going to say. 

Paddy sat down on the seat next to Aaron, taking in a deep breath and pulling at the corner of a beer mat before looking at him. 

‘Come on, Paddy, give it up. I know what you’re going to say and you’re wrong.’ Aaron could divulge his previous thoughts that it was going to happen and that it was just a matter of time, but letting Paddy in on those was not something he wanted to do. Admitting that he had thought about sleeping with Robert again, about their lips colliding as they became intimate once more, even admitting it to Paddy, was not a good sign. Admitting something meant that it was true. That it was going to happen. 

Robert really did need to leave the village soon because if he didn’t, Aaron knew there would be no way of them remaining platonic and civil. He knew that they would fall back into old ways of dealing with things, with him splayed out on his front and Robert taking him from behind. 

‘Aaron, mate, I don’t think your head’s ever screwed on properly when Robert flaming Sugden is in the picture.’

‘Nothing is going to happen. I’m with Si now.’

‘Yes,’ Paddy said as his voice notched up a few decibels as well as getting slightly higher in tone. He then calmed down after looking around at Chas, who was still stood at the bar. He spoke with a more natural timbre to his voice. ‘Si is besotted with you. He treats you well and he’s not Robert, which is always a good thing.’

Anger flared up in Aaron’s stomach in the same way it did when both Paddy and his mother warned him off Robert in the past and he let rip and slept with Robert again anyway. He remembered the portacabin action and the way Robert had pounded into him against his desk. 

‘Nothing’s going to happen,’ he repeated for himself more than anything else. 

‘It will only not happen if you stay away from him. I’ve seen the way you both looked at each other. You still love him, don’t you?’

He faltered slightly before spurting out the harsh, ‘No.’

‘He will only ever hurt you, Aaron. You do know that, don’t you?’

Aaron sucked on his top lip, his tongue running over the bumps and lines of it. What could he possibly say to Paddy? The lump that had been a constant dull ache in his throat for the last five years gained in heaviness until it weighed down his chest as well. 

‘He’s the same Robert Sugden that only ever thinks about himself. The one that is only bothered about looking after himself.’

Despite how much anger and pain Aaron had been carrying around with him for the last five years, he knew that Paddy was wrong about Robert. Robert could be selfless, had been selfless when he had saved Aaron’s life, when he had been there for Aaron during Gordon’s trial, when he was continually showering Aaron with romantic gestures. 

‘I’m going to go out now and enjoy the fireworks.’ He left Paddy at the table and went out into the November cold, wrapping up his Barbour coat - the same Barbour coat that Robert had bought him at the start of 2017. Nearly six years had passed and he was wearing the same coat because it reminded him of Robert. He didn’t need a material object to remind him of his ex since Robert had never left his heart. 

He pulled his hat down over his ears and blew on his cold fingers. He was grabbed by both arms and coerced off in a different direction by Adam and Liv - both of them taking hold of an arm and dragging him away from the rest of the crowd that was forming at the back of the Woolie.

‘What are you two doing?’ he asked but neither answered until he was perched on one of the benches round the front of the pub with both of them standing tall in front of him like parents telling off a wayward child. 

‘We both saw the look earlier and we both know you,’ Liv said first. 

‘Not you two as well,’ Aaron said sighing and feeling exasperated that he was having this conversation again. 

‘No, hear us out. You need to think about Si. He makes you happy.’

Aaron wanted to know what Adam was on, if he believed the crap he was spouting. Aaron had been going through the motions pretending he was happy, but Adam obviously hadn’t witnessed his smile only resting on his lips and not going straight to his eyes. 

‘You don’t want to be getting into bad habits again,’ Liv said.

‘Bad habits?’ he looked from his sister to his best friend and back again. How come being with Robert was a bad habit? They never declared it when he and Robert were married or fiances or even boyfriends.

‘Sleeping with him again.’

Why was everybody convinced that he was going to drop his boxers for Robert? Was he really that transparent? 

Yeah, he knew he was. He knew he was simply because he knew that when it came to Robert everything stopped and started on his love for that one man. 

‘That’s not going to happen,’ again the statement was to convince himself, a new mantra to stop it from happening. 

‘We can see it a mile off with the way you were looking at him. Si could see it too.’ Adam looked straight into Aaron’s eyes after that comment, hoping to appeal to his sympathy. ‘Si is quite worried as well.’

What could Aaron say to that? That he shouldn’t be worried? That he loved Si? Si had said it to him a few months ago, those three words, and Aaron couldn’t say it back. He couldn’t say it because it wasn’t true. 

‘Well, I’m with him, aren’t I? And not Robert.’ He got up from his seat on the bench. Feeling Adam’s arm on his, he tapped it away. ‘I’m going to find my boyfriend.’ With that they both put their hands out to stop him. ‘Let me go,’ he protested before walking to the back of the pub where a big crowd had gathered near the bonfire. 

He tried to find Si, so he glanced around scanning the area. He could see Robert by the other side of the bonfire. There was Paddy with his eyes glancing between him and Robert, but there was no sight of Si. 

His peripheral vision must have been malfunctioning that day because he thought he saw Jason: bald head and fluffy, full grown beard. It couldn’t be. The last he’d heard Jason had been put back behind bars about three years ago. He couldn’t be here in Emmerdale. Surely? But Aaron’s eyes had to be sure. He turned his full body towards what he thought was Jason. It was him. Big, black puffer coat. 

Jason winked and blew him a kiss. 

What was he doing back in the village? Why was he still intent on making Aaron's life hell? 

Aaron wanted to claw at his chest, to stop it from closing in on him. But all he could see was black dots behind his eyes and his whole body was suffering from a big case of pins and needles as every limb became numb and dead. He heaved and heaved hoping for some relief but none came. 

He needed to regain his breath. 

But he was struggling…

Struggling...


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert sees Aaron struggling and can't leave him on his own.

Robert ran, speeding across the car park of the pub, not taking his eyes off Aaron, as he watched his ex-husband pale-faced, struggling to gain his breath and slumped against the back wall of the pub. Robert had to sidestep other punters as he tried to reach Aaron and even moved a concerned Si out of his way. 

When Robert reached Aaron, he held him steady, hands on both his shoulders, and looked deep into his eyes. ‘Aaron. Follow me with your breathing. Slowly. In for three. One. Two. Three.’

With an unwavering gaze on Robert, Aaron followed, looking into his eyes and followed his instructions. Aaron struggled to slow his erratic breathing down with no respite. There was panic evident on his face. It didn’t disappear after the first breath in, but then, again, Robert didn’t expect it to. The last time he had helped Aaron deal with a situation like this, it had taken him nearly half an hour to come out of the panic attack. But that was at least five years ago, and Robert had no way of knowing whether these longer ones were the norm with Aaron. That bit hurt that he hadn’t been there to protect Aaron from these attacks. He should have returned earlier to help Aaron out. After all, he had always been Aaron’s knight in shining armour even if neither of them had admitted it at the time. 

‘Out for three. One. Two. Three,’ Robert instructed again not taking his eyes off Aaron. Whatever had brought on this panic attack, it was worse than the last one Robert had witnessed. ‘In for three. One. Two. Three.’ He breathed in again hoping that Aaron would follow his example. 

Noticing beads of sweat above Aaron’s lips and on his forehead, Robert picked out an unused tissue from his pocket and dabbed at the wet patches of skin. He felt a zing through the paper tissue as he touched Aaron’s head. He’d dreamed about that zinging for years and was glad that it still existed and felt amazing. But there was another time and place to think about that. Now, he had to help Aaron through the worst of it. 

As he continued counting breaths to three, in and out, Aaron’s gaze began to waver and he was looking at something beyond Robert’s right shoulder. The breathing that had started to slow down seemed to have quickened up a pace and getting faster and more erratic with each second that passed by. 

Robert glanced behind his shoulder, wondering what was the root of Aaron’s current panic attack. His eyes fell onto a bald headed man with a large beard and wearing a black puffer coat. Whoever this man was, he puckered his lips up to Robert and winked. It didn’t scare Robert, but he must be someone from Aaron’s past, something that made Aaron frightened. He did seem to have a face that Robert could imagine pummelling into submission. 

Turning his attention back to Aaron, he needed to vie for his ex’s attention. ‘Aaron, look at me. Focus on your breathing. He’s not going to hurt you. He wouldn’t dare. Not when he’s surrounded by all your family and friends. Plus, he’ll have to get through Pearl first and you know how feisty she can be.’ 

Aaron’s gaze returned to Robert and he produced a small smile despite trying to calm himself down with deep breaths being pushed through pursed lips. While it was slower and more restrained, it was still a struggle for Aaron to do as breaths came out heaving and laboured. 

‘And if she fails, we can always put Sandy on him.’ He smiled at his own joke. ‘All joking aside, whoever he is, I’m not going to let him harm you. Not on my watch.’

‘Aaron. Oh my God, Aaron.’ It was Si rushing across and snatching Aaron out of Robert’s grasp, spinning him round and nearly knocking him over. He pulled Aaron into his chest. ‘Oh, I’ll look after you.’ His eyes were full of bullets directly aimed to hit Robert. 

Robert felt his stomach surge with protectiveness for Aaron but also anger at Si’s thoughtlessness again. ‘He’s having a panic attack you prat. He needs to focus on his breathing instead of you nearly suffocating him.’

‘I don’t need you to tell me how to deal with my boyfriend.’

‘No, cos you’re clueless as a piece of crap.’ 

Aaron pushed himself away from Si’s chest, all the while still trying to calm down his breathing. 

‘Aaron, look at me. Focus on that breathing. Remember one, two, three.’ He tried again, not bothered about Si or the other people that were now surrounding the three of them. It was all about Aaron. He would do anything for him. 

Si seemed to back off, noticing that Aaron was following Robert in his quest to come out of his panic attack. 

‘Think of your happy place. Whatever that is and focus on the breathing.’

They continued in that state, Aaron following Robert’s slower breathing making each breath last until the third count, until Aaron’s breathing returned to normal. 

Before there could be any meaningful exchange between the two of them, Chas, Adam and Paddy seemed to whisk Aaron off in the direction of the bonfire and Robert trudged back inside to get himself another drink. 

He necked two whiskeys feeling himself return to the Robert of 2017, the one that was struggling to live without Aaron, the one that had lost all hope and love in his life. The one that needed alcohol as a crutch because not only was he not sleeping but he couldn’t function without Aaron. . 

But his eyes seemed to find their way back to Aaron’s like a bee attracted to pollen. However, whenever he did look at Aaron, Si was in his peripheral vision and he had to avert his gaze because he knew with certainty that at some point in the next few days he would punch that smug smile right off Si’s face. Si was an arsehole, no two ways about it. 

He’d gone to the pub’s bogs just before the display had started across the village, and he was coming out of a cubicle when he nearly walked into Aaron. 

‘I just wanted to say thanks for before,’ Aaron said looking sincere, staring again into Robert’s eyes before looking down at his hands as though they were the most fascinating hands in the world.

‘It’s okay. I’ve never seen a panic attack that bad before.’

‘Well, I’ve had a few in the last five years.’ After he said it, Aaron’s lips closed into a frown with eyebrows arched in a challenge. 

The comment stung and Robert didn’t pretend otherwise. 

‘Who is he? An ex?’ He wanted to cover his jealousy, but Robert was done pretending that he was fine not being with Aaron, fine with his decision to leave Emmerdale, fine with his decision to not return even after Rebecca’s baby turned out not to be his.

‘A bully from my time in prison.’

‘The drugs mule?’

‘What do you care?’

‘I always care, Aaron. I never stopped caring. Even when I was miles away I never stopped loving you. I still love you.’

Aaron was doing his best to not be affected by Robert’s declaration, but Robert could see him pressing his lips together, before biting on the top one. And there was a glistening liquid to his eyes that hadn’t been there before. He took a deep breath. ‘It doesn’t matter what you still feel. I’m with Si.’

‘I know. He keeps telling me.’ He looked down at the floor, pausing, before adding, ‘I don’t think he makes you happy.’ The words were out of his mouth and then he had the courage to look at Aaron, to see whether his gut reaction was true. 

‘It doesn’t matter what you think anymore.’ Aaron turned around, spinning on his heel, ready to leave the toilet. 

Robert couldn’t let Aaron leave and clutched for his arm, grasping at it and brushing it with his fingers. 

A shock of electricity surged up his hand where it had grazed Aaron’s arm and lit up his whole body as though it was some celestial being on its way to heaven. Aaron looked up from the area on his arm to Robert’s eyes to then Robert’s lips. His eyes oscillated between the two and Robert knew the tell-tale signs, could read Aaron like a book. 

They were inches from each other. The prospect of kissing Aaron was real, was within his grasp, was there for him to feel. 

‘What’s going on here?’ Paddy asked blocking the doorway where light was coming from the pub.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being interrupted by Paddy in the men's bogs, Aaron knows there are a few things he has to do.

Aaron glanced up at Paddy, failing to ignore the shock in Paddy’s blue eyes, before mumbling an answer, ‘Nothing’s going on. Just you causing a scene in the men’s bogs.’

Despite stepping back to take himself away from temptation, his eyes flickered to Robert’s tantalizing lips. It was a shame that those lips and that appetising arm brush had coaxed him into moving closer, like it always drew him in. Two magnets that could never really stay away from each other for too long before they clashed back together. The pull was too strong to ignore. 

He needed to do something and take himself away from the situation. He turned, about to leave Robert and the toilets that he wanted to stay in. God, he was so desperate to stay in Robert’s orbit that the ache to do so was drowning out his level-headed thinking. It was clawing at his chest and weighing down his arms and legs because it was a necessity. Being with Robert was an essential part of his life. 

‘Aaron, what was your happy place you were thinking about earlier?’ Robert asked while his blue-green pools searched Aaron’s eyes for the answer. 

He gulped and took in a deep breath. ‘An intimate moment with Si.’ The lie burnt in his throat. It was bitter, as he choked it down. 

Watching Robert’s eyes fall to the ground and the pain prominent in every line and curve of his face, Aaron abhorred seeing it evident in the way Robert’s eyebrows arched up in the centre and the way the blue-green eyes were swimming in unshed tears. Aaron would have given the last pint of blood in his body to wipe away Robert’s tears, to kiss him and tell him that those words had been a lie, that his happy place was everything that had happened on Tuesday 21st February 2017. 

But he didn’t dare. 

He couldn’t do it. 

Afraid. Apprehensive. Dejected. They were all words to describe how he was feeling inside. They were all banal and couldn’t describe the tumult of emotions that Aaron had tried to quell in his heart for so long because Robert had walked away. 

So it was better if Robert left and the only way he could do that was for Aaron to lie to him. 

‘Oh,’ was all Robert said, but the one syllable was flooded with anguish and sorrow. 

Aaron couldn’t get into a dialogue with Robert because he knew that everything would come back to them kissing. And that kissing would lead on to their delirious foreplay before sex. He understood that if they ended up sleeping together again, he would not have the strength to walk away. He’d climb inside Robert’s arms and build a home there on Robert's lap.

He walked away from Robert, straining his neck to stop himself from twisting it to look back at the one man he would always love.

Paddy followed him back into the pub, but wouldn’t allow Aaron the freedom to walk any further before badgering him about Robert. ‘What do you think you are doing nearly kissing him?’

‘Paddy, nothing happened. Can you just drop it?’ He didn’t wait for an answer and let his question fall into the air, as he walked off into the night. 

He wanted to be left alone, to wallow in self-pity of walking away from Robert, but fate seemed to have other ideas. Si’s footsteps fell in line with his and Si’s hand sought after his own as they both walked back to the bonfire behind the Woolpack. 

Si’s hand in his felt like an intense grip that choked out any life and blood left in that one limb. But as the grip became harder and stronger, Aaron felt Si’s constant presence stifling. It had always been that way, but being near Si that day was like being engulfed in someone’s love and affection and not feeling anything back. Since when did he think it was okay to be in a relationship with a man that he didn’t love and he knew there was no way of loving? He’d been going through the motions pretending everything was fine when he was falling apart. 

Aaron stopped, knowing that it wasn’t fair on Si. ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ He prised his hand out of Si’s.

‘It’s because Robert is back, isn’t it?’

Aaron wished it was as easy as that. ‘No, it’s because I don’t love you.’

‘You can learn to love me. I’m really lovable.’ Si smiled and Aaron could have laughed at Si’s arrogance, if it wasn’t so misplaced. Instead, it just angered Aaron all the more. 

‘No. This last year hasn’t been fair on you. I can’t do it anymore. You shouldn’t have to put up with it.’

‘Shouldn’t I be the one to decide that?’

Aaron’s mind rewound to when he said those exact words to Robert. How had it ever been fair on Si when Aaron was still hopelessly in love with Robert and would be until his dying breath? ‘Just let me go because this relationship is not making me happy.’

‘Most people in relationships aren’t happy, so why should you be any different?’

‘Because I want to be happy. And if you don’t want me to be happy, then that is just another reason why we should split up.’

Si lunged for him, but he pushed Si off. ‘Leave me alone please.’

He walked alone back to the Mill, hoping that nobody else would cause problems for him. The thought of somebody pecking his head in was enough to make him nauseous. It wasn’t until he was at his front door that he noticed the piece of paper taped to it with writing in block capitals. 

_LIVESY. I STILL WANT MY MONEY. FIVE YEARS IS A LONG TIME AND THE INTEREST KEEPS ADDING UP. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE IT TO ME, SWEETHEART? I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU AND YOUR TWO BOYFRIENDS ALL NIGHT!_

He didn’t want to go inside so that the worry of Jason reappearing would fester in his brain. Therefore, he voted with his feet and found himself outside Keepers Cottage unsure whether Robert would be in there and unsure what he might do and say, if Robert was there. But either way his heart was thudding, and he knew that while it was a bad idea being there, his feet wouldn’t respond to any instructions from his head.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is contemplating leaving Emmerdale, and then the door to Keepers Cottage goes...

Robert had been contemplating buying train tickets to start a new life away from Emmerdale for the last half hour. Whatever was the quick and easiest access out of the village, he was willing to take it. Staying and having to tolerate the way Si’s hands moved over Aaron’s body, and swallowing the look between them whenever they shared a tender moment, was not something he wanted to spend the rest of his days doing. It was excruciating stomaching it all when Robert had been in Si’s shoes and he had ruined it. He never thought he’d ever stop regretting his actions in his own lifetime and knew that if he went to heaven, he would still be filled with remorse in his afterlife for all of eternity. 

The way Aaron and Si kissed made him want to regurgitate what little food he had eaten earlier along with hacking his own eyes out of their sockets. Another second watching the two of them together was a second too much. 

The words that Aaron had said about his happy place being all about Si were the final words he wanted to hear about that bastard. At some point he would have to admit that there was no hope in getting Aaron back. For him all roads led back to Aaron. If his ex was happy with a new man, then there was nothing really he could do. He would have to continue loving Aaron on his own until his dying days. 

With the knock at the door, his escape plans were scuppered. Victoria was out catering for a Bonfire display in Hotten with Ditty Diner, so whoever it was would be a guest. He got up from his seat on the settee, placing his lap-top on the coffee table, and hoped that by the time he dawdled to the door they would have disappeared and given up waiting for him. 

In the short dawdle from the lounge to the front door Robert’s thoughts were consumed with his ex that when he opened the door, he was sure he was witnessing a mirage: Aaron standing opposite him looking as beautiful as ever. Plump lips parted, hair tousled by his hat, which was now in his hands, and that facial hair that if Robert was good with words, he would write an ode about it. Alluring was the only way to describe Aaron. 

‘What are you doing here?’

Aaron barged past him and into the kitchen. 

‘Come in why don’t you?’ Sarcasm was evident in every syllable that he said. He shouldn’t have spoken to Aaron with sarcasm, but he was still hurting after the comment from half an hour ago. 

‘You need to stay away from me,’ Aaron said the words without looking at Robert. ‘You need to leave Emmerdale.’ He continued speaking but his eyes were to the right of Robert’s face, focusing on the front door.

Robert couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Let me get this straight: you came round to my sister’s house to tell me to stay away from you?’

It was only when he was expecting a reply that Aaron’s eyes moved towards his. Robert could see pain in Aaron’s blue pools but if he waded in the pool deep enough, pushing past that initial shock from Aaron, that barrier his ex always put up to protect himself from other people, Robert could kid himself and believe he could see love there.

‘Yes.’ It was only a syllable, but it was cumbersome in the way it was said with Aaron’s gruff tone. 

‘Well, I’m leaving anyway.’ He said those words hoping for some indication that Aaron still loved him despite everything. 

Aaron faltered, fiddled with his ring finger - that had been bare for the last five years - and then drew air through his mouth. ‘You know what, Robert? You don’t get the right to walk into my life like nothing happened all those years ago. You can’t pretend that everything hasn’t changed.’ The words were charged and heated because the decibel was raised higher than normal. 

‘I know everything has changed. You are with Si. He makes you happy.’ He detested the way the word "Si" felt on his lips. He’d never like the name again. Wasn’t Si old enough to have a grown up name instead of a nickname? 

‘Yes, I am.’ Aaron flinched at the comment, which made Robert dubious to whether it was true or not. 

He had to hold onto that sliver of hope because without it, he would continue dying inside. ‘You’re lucky that you’re happy.’ He paused to see whether Aaron would hold his gaze, but Aaron’s gaze was flitting around the kitchen. 

‘Perhaps you shouldn’t have given up on us. Maybe then you’d be happy. Maybe then you’d have a reason to stay.’ 

Robert sighed, exasperated. ‘I didn’t give up on us. I could see you weren’t strong enough to end it. You weren’t happy.’

‘That shows how much you know,’ the words were flung at Robert. 

‘You weren’t. You hadn’t touched me in months. Whenever I touched you, I could see how strained your kisses and touch were. How could I possibly be in a relationship with somebody who didn’t want to touch me? I knew that all you could see when you touched me was Rebecca and the baby that she claimed was mine.’ Robert hated thinking about those days when Aaron shuddered at his touch. But that was just another part of his life he wished he could have changed. If he could live his life again, he would have never got in contact with Rebecca. The bitch had caused the majority of problems in his life. 

‘You know nothing at all about how I felt.’ Aaron’s head was shaking in vehemence, the words strained and nearly broken. 

‘Aaron, you couldn’t hide it.’

‘I was hurting. And deep down all I wanted was you. It was going to take time for me to get my head around the situation.’

‘I knew you were going to realise months later that you didn’t want to be with me, and I couldn’t wake up every day dreading for that day to arrive, wondering if that was the day you were going to tell me it was over. So I had to walk away. I had to get away from the village because I knew being around you would be torture.’ He took a deep breath as he was verbalising his thought processes for the first time in five years. His tear ducts failed to keep his tears at bay, and he knew the wrong word from Aaron would mean he would succumb to tears. ‘Just like it is torture now to see you with another man.’

He moved closer to Aaron and took it as a good sign that Aaron didn’t move away in disgust. 

‘It takes me all my self-control not to wrap my arms around you and shower you in kisses.’

Aaron’s attention was on Robert, as he looked up from the inspection of his hands. A tear made its track down his face. 

Robert wanted to wipe it away, but that was no longer his right. 

Instead, Aaron pushed away the tear with the back of his hand before taking a deep breath. ‘It could have been our future, but you walked away.’

‘And I regret it every day. I should have fought for you. For us.’ The gravity of the words weighed down his throat. 

‘Yeah, well, there’s no "us" anymore. I’m with Si, remember.’ Aaron’s chin was raised in defiance. 

‘I don’t believe you.’ Robert closed the gap between the two of them. As he strode towards Aaron, his heart picked up a beat and wasn’t dissimilar to the beat of an old skool track from the 1990s. ‘Tell me you love Si.’

‘I love Si.’ Aaron’s eyes didn’t waver from Robert’s.

‘Tell me you don’t love me. That I mean nothing to you.’

‘I don’t …’ The words caught in Aaron’s throat. He tried again. ‘I don’t love …’ Aaron’s eyes went to the floor.

‘You can’t say it. Aaron, look at me.’

Aaron’s eyes didn’t budge from their spot. 

‘Please, look at me.’

And as Aaron peeked up at Robert, there were tears streaming down his face: ones that he couldn’t hide anymore and didn’t want to push away.

Robert could see that the defences Aaron had built up to protect himself were being pulled down. He moved in, brushing his thumb against Aaron’s cheeks, trying to mop up the salty blobs that were falling down Aaron’s face. 

Aaron’s blue eyes looked up into his own and he couldn’t help but move in. He hadn’t realised he’d been holding his breath until their lips caressed and grazed. Each kiss was giving his lungs permission to breathe again. His hunger for Aaron was consuming him that he had to continue their contact, couldn’t let Aaron go. If he pulled away, this could all turn out to be a fantastic dream and a way for his mind to play tricks on him. After all, he was witnessing his mirage of Aaron as though he was a dehydrated traveller trekking through a barren desert. He had been dehydrated: Aaron was his water and without the love of his life, Robert was struggling to feel alive. He was living, but only a meagre of the life that he could have had. 

Despite their time apart, they still had that fire and spark. He pulled Aaron in, hands locating Aaron’s neck, grabbing on to steady himself as his legs became weak. He’d missed this: every inch of Aaron’s body, every touch and kiss. This was where he was meant to be, who he was meant to have loved for the last five years.

Aaron’s hands found their way to Robert’s hair and pulled on blond tufts as their lips delved deeper into their past, arms drawing each other in. 

‘I’ve missed you,’ he whispered into Aaron’s willing, salty mouth.

Hands were being dug into his chest, as Aaron’s lips were pulled away. ‘I can’t do this.’ Aaron was speaking, but Robert couldn’t understand why. ‘I have to go.’

And with that, Aaron walked out of Keepers Cottage as the door rolled on its hinges. Robert feared that Aaron would be walking out of his life too. He would always take any morsel of hope that Aaron would give him until they were back together, but he wondered whether he’d pushed Aaron too far.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Si sees Aaron and Robert kissing...

Si crouched behind the hedge to avoid Aaron seeing him. He tried to control his breathing as Aaron stormed past him and onto the street. Well, what a turn of events? If he had been a betting man, he would have put all of his life savings onto the possibility that Aaron would kiss Robert again. As obvious as the seasons changing throughout the year, Si knew that Aaron wouldn’t be able to avoid Robert’s presence for too long. 

He felt powerless - a feeling that was alien to him and one he despised - as Robert had breezed into the village and Aaron’s head had been turned. Aaron had no right in looking at Robert with those beautiful blue eyes. They should have been on him and him alone. Fierce anger boiled up from his stomach at the thought that Aaron was in love with Robert. 

If he was being truthful, Si knew that Aaron’s attention hadn’t fully been on him, would never be fully on him, when Robert Sugden was part of Emmerdale’s scenery. Trying to convince himself that Aaron wanted to be in their relationship was ridiculous when that faraway look crossed Aaron’s face far too often for Si’s liking: it had always been there since their first meeting, but the look seemed to be consuming Aaron’s time more and more since Robert had arrived back. The vacant stare, filled with pining and sadness, was a reminder that Aaron’s heart wasn’t in the moment and he was reminiscing about an earlier time that he ached to be part of. Since Robert had come back to Emmerdale, Si couldn’t deny that Robert received all the looks of yearning and love that Si had wanted for himself. 

Aaron ought to be looking at him with love. Aaron should be loving him by now. Robert Sugden was obstructing Si’s plans for happiness and something needed to be done about it. It had to be done before it was too late. Robert had no right to come waltzing back into the village and taking Aaron off him. No right at all. And Si wasn’t willing to let it happen without a fight. 

Sitting on the sidelines for months, watching Aaron making moves on other blond haired men, Si had done everything possible to get Aaron’s attention in Bar West. He’d observed the clothes that Aaron’s other one-night stands had worn, and he’d fashioned himself on them. He hated elbow patches, but soon his wardrobe was filled with them on jackets, jumpers and shirts. He rarely wore shirts, but they became a staple item along with items that were the colour blue. He hated the colour, but now he wore it every day. All because of Aaron. Actually, it was because Robert liked the colour and wore it continuously. 

As soon as he had donned those pieces of clothing, Aaron had graced him with a flicker of interest. Aaron, with that beautiful smile and those startling blue eyes, the one man he had to have, had to possess. He was pleased that Aaron was interested in his blond hair and blue-green eyes, but he would have bought coloured contact lenses and dyed his hair if he needed to. Whatever Aaron found attractive, he would change overnight just to get into Aaron’s orbit. Now that he was in that orbit, Robert Sugden returning wasn’t going to propel him out of it. He would cling on with both hands and his teeth. Anything to remain near Aaron. 

He would have done anything for Aaron to choose him because Aaron was the only thing he desired. That first day Si had watched Aaron walk into Bar West, he was mesmerized by the beauty of such an angel. He had to have Aaron and make Aaron his. Si always got what he wanted. And on the rare occasions when he didn’t get what he wanted, he would do whatever he could to make it happen. 

Aaron might not want him now, and they might have split up, but that was a small stumbling block that could be overcome. Things would change considerably when Si’s plans started to come to fruition. 

He could just imagine him and Aaron together, holidays in historical delights like Prague and Rome, candlelight dinners whilst being serenaded by romantic music. They’d once gone to a fancy restaurant where he had paid for a violinist to serenade them while they enjoyed their meal. He had seen Aaron wincing as he ate, but that was because Aaron didn’t understand how romantic it could be. Si would make him understand in time. Aaron would see because Si always made his boyfriends see his way of thinking: it was part of his natural charm and persuasive way. 

As he saw Aaron storming off in the direction of the Mill, Si had only one thing left he could do. While a plan was formulating in his mind, he tried to shake the image of Aaron’s lips on Robert’s. It had looked quite heated, and Si was only too pleased that Aaron had pulled away when he did. If it had continued the way Si was dreading it to go, then everything would have got a whole lot messier. 

When there was nobody else around, Si walked up the path to Keepers Cottage and thudded on the door with his closed fist. 

Robert opened the door - a frown prominent on his face - as he stuffed Aaron’s black hat into his jeans’ pocket. ‘Si. What are you doing here?’

‘Just take this as a warning. I told you already, but you’re too arrogant to listen. You need to stay away from my boyfriend, or else.’

Robert laughed in his face. ‘Or what? You’re going to stare me to death?’

‘No. Something much worse. We’re going away soon. And when we come back, I want you long gone. He’s not interested, okay?’

‘That’s why he came to see me.’ Robert looked Si up and down with derision. ‘I’m not scared of you at all. So do your best because I guarantee I’ve done much worse.’ And with that, Robert closed the door on him. 

He knew he should be annoyed, but what Si had planned would wipe that smug grin off Robert’s face. And he couldn’t wait to see it happen.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is sat in the Mill remembering the perfect kiss from Robert. Until there is a knock at the door...

Aaron knew he should be engaged with the television programme he was watching, especially when the denouement was about to take place; however, his fingers traced his lips that were still tingling from their contact with Robert’s. He also couldn’t shake the smile that was resting on his lips at the sheer memory of that contact. 

There had been one word to describe the pleasure that enveloped him as their lips came together once more: electrifying. 

He could still feel it coursing through his veins and making his heart hurdle in his chest. He was still waiting for his breath to return back to normal. 

For the first time in five years, he had felt alive. He was no longer a vacant shell that was struggling to give believable ‘Aaron reactions’ while deep down inside he was numb. During their awe-inspiring kiss, he was experiencing the moment and every one of his senses was overcome with Robert. 

Hands were fingering Robert’s blond tufts. His nose was breathing in Robert’s spicy oakwood aroma. Lips were tasting Robert’s delicious kisses and the beer Robert had been drinking earlier. Behind the black of his shut eyelids there was a white ecstasy that Robert always inspired when he placed his lips on Aaron. All Aaron could hear were their breathless moans. The beating of his own heart darted ahead of both of them to a place where they were a couple again. His heart had been galloping at such a speed to a place that might never exist. 

He wanted that place to exist more than anything else in the world.

He’d give everything he had to experience it again. 

Contemplating whether this was all a dream was very easy to do, as it had been the subject of his dreams for the last five years. But when he heard Robert whispering into his mouth, he was brought crashing back down to earth with a loud thud and a jolt of his heart. 

He wanted to box away the delicious feeling of Robert’s lips on his, shelve it away and get it out again and wear it when he knew that Robert would walk away. Because that was what Robert did: he abandoned Aaron when they should have been working on their relationship, just like he abandoned Aaron when he was needed to rely on. 

While Aaron continued gliding over the tingles in his lips, he tried to drive his hand away but he didn’t want to lose that contact with Robert. Despite his actions an hour earlier, he wanted to remain linked to Robert in whatever capacity he could. 

However, inside he knew there was no point in doing that when Robert would no doubt be abandoning the village soon, or if he was staying for more than a month he was going to at least abandon Aaron. 

Therefore, Aaron knew that he should pretend that the Robert-shaped crater in his heart was not there. He should try mending it with other men or even a hobby of some sort. He’d tried those things before - all those men before Si and the running - but nothing seemed to work and nothing filled the bleak vacuum in his body that Robert had left. And he knew that if he gave them another chance, nothing would fill that devastating vacuum again because the crater would become bigger and more difficult to fill. It hadn’t managed to be patched up in the last five years, so why would anything plaster over it in the future? 

Pretending to watch the programme, Aaron hoped with every fibre in his body and soul that Robert would leave soon. The resolve around Aaron’s heart had already been pulled down just by a glance from Robert; however, the resolve around his penis and backside were crumbling like some derelict building. It was only a matter of time before it would be annihilated by a simple kiss or a look from Robert. 

It could even be a fleeting touch. 

God, how he pined to touch Robert and nestle his head in Robert’s chest, feel Robert’s breath on his neck. 

The kiss from Robert cemented the fact that Aaron knew he couldn’t be without Robert any longer and would never be able to stay away from Robert. Why would he want to stay away from Robert when the world made sense when Robert was in his life? Why would he want to stay away from Robert when losing Robert was akin to having a limb brutally severed off his body? The only problem was there were never phantom limb symptoms. His body just ached for Robert every hour of the day. 

There was a bang at the door, and Aaron gave up his performance of trying to watch the drama. He shivered at the prospect of it being Robert. Ready and willing for Robert’s blue-green eyes, full of warmth and - dare he think it - love, his mouth opened in an ample smile; however, when he met those cold, deadened blue eyes of Jason’s, his jaw locked and an icy chill crept through the whole of his body.

He hurried to close the door, but Jason used the whole of his core force to block Aaron’s attempts. 

Jason then launched a dirty boot in between the door and the door frame before tutting. ‘What are you doing, Livesy? I told you I’d be back for my money.’ 

Jason nudged the door open even further with his boot before sauntering into the open plan living space. Gazing round at the room, his head bobbed up and down while his lower lip arched up to his top lip. ‘Nice gaff you’ve got, but I bet one of your Blondies has paid for it.’ 

The sauntering from Jason didn’t last long, as he plowed over to Aaron and invaded his personal space. Jason’s stench was disgusting: a mixture of sweat, dirt and corrupt vibes that were emanating up into Aaron’s nasal cavities.

He scrunched his nose up at Jason, raised his head whilst relaxing his shoulders. While he was scared of what Jason might do, he wasn’t going to let the bastard see it. He had spent the last five years lying to himself and those around him - getting pretty good at it, if the latest comments from Adam and Paddy were anything to go by - and there was no way in the whole stratosphere that he was going to let a muppet like Jason get one over him. 

‘Really?’ His eyebrows rose up. ‘I just thought you’d finally given into the longing for me. You know, after all those sleepless nights lying awake thinking about me.’ 

Jason flinched at the words. ‘I wouldn’t touch you with a bargepole. I might catch something.’

‘You’re saying the words Jason, but tonight your actions are speaking louder than words.’ He shook his head while his lips thinned out and raised up. 

‘I want my money. And the interest is hefty since I’ve been inside. It’s at least £2000 for each year you owe me.’

‘There’s no way that I can pay you that type of money.’ Jason must have been having a joke at Aaron’s expense because there was no way that the small amount of drugs that Aaron had got off Jason equated to nearly £10,000, surely?

‘Well, it’s either you owe me that money or certain people might start getting hurt.’ 

‘I didn’t even use the gear you gave me. I gave it straight back to Ethan.’

‘Doesn’t matter. Just call it services rendered. And I mean what I said about people starting to get hurt. Both your boyfriends will for sure. Is Blondie not satisfying you enough that you need another one that looks the same as him?’

‘What’s with this big interest in my sex life, Jason? Are you feeling a bit jealous and left out? You wanting some Aaron love?’

‘Not from a fairy like you.’ He shook his head and his mouth turned into a frown. 

‘Aaron, the door was left open…’ Si’s voice could instil annoyance in him, but somehow it seemed a welcome relief. His eyes darted from Jason to Aaron and back again. 

‘Well, well, well. One of your Blondies has arrived. Let’s hope the other one is not that far away.’ Jason advanced to the front door, pushing Si aside, before forcing the door shut. He turned around and glared at both Aaron and Si. 

Aaron felt he was trapped and not for the first time in that hour did he wish he’d stayed put in Keepers Cottage.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert is at Keepers Cottage thinking about the kiss...

Robert couldn’t stop the cinema reel in his head from replaying _that_ kiss in vivid technicolour. Not only was there surround sound, as he relived every one of Aaron’s breathless moans that made Robert’s body tremble with pleasure, but he had the scratch and sniff variety feature turned on to heighten his cinematic experience. He could still smell Aaron’s enticing sandalwood scent with traces of cinnamon and chocolate: it must have rubbed off onto his clothes and skin when they were kissing. 

He would put up with any amount of torture that the devil wanted to throw at him, if it meant he could sink into Aaron’s body, wrap his arms around Aaron’s waist and brush his lips against Aaron’s. For so long that kiss was all he ever wanted - the want for it so powerful that it kept him warm at night, kept him fighting forward when he should have been pushing back - but he worried that his mind was playing tricks on him. 

Had he been deceived and it was a figment of his imagination? Could he give in to the notion that Aaron actually wanted him and still loved him? He didn’t want to believe it because if he got his hopes up, they would collapse to the ground and jolt him back into his own hell. The same hell he had been living in for the last five years. 

Every sense had been consumed with Aaron, overflowing with how beautiful, sexy and alluring he was. If Robert could live one moment again, it would be that one. The feel of Aaron’s hot lips on his and the passion for Aaron pumping through his veins was such a powerful elixir that he knew he wanted to relive that memory forever and always. 

He would experience the sweet afterglow of Aaron’s kiss and touch for days, weeks or even months to come. But the distressing alarm of Aaron’s parting words, the hurt look in Aaron’s eyes as he cut short their phenomenal kiss, grounded any hope that Robert had to a jarring halt. The pain in his gut couldn’t recede when he witnessed Aaron walking away from their kiss, telling him he couldn’t do it and left. 

Sitting on Vic’s sofa, he retrieved Aaron’s woolly hat from his pocket where he had stuffed it in there when Si had knocked on the door. He thumbed it, feeling the fibres of the wool, stroking it and brought it to his nostrils. The mint-scented shampoo that Aaron had worn five years ago was taking up every inch of the hat. And as he breathed that scent in, he was brought back to the moment he walked away from Aaron. 

***

The haunting look in Aaron’s eyes had never left him when he noticed Robert’s bags packed and the severity of what Robert was doing echoed in Aaron’s deepened voice, ‘Where are you going?’

Aaron had smelt of the mint shampoo that day, as he had avoided any intimate moments with Robert for the final time. He had preferred a shower to spending quality time with Robert in bed. Quality time where they didn’t have their backs towards each other and weren’t off exploring their own dreams or nightmares was getting less frequent. 

Robert’s would always be nightmares where he would wake up scrambling for Aaron’s body laid next to him and hoping that he hadn’t lost him. And when he had realised Aaron was still asleep next to him, he tried to uproot the growing lump in his throat. However, that wasn’t something he could ever eject from his mouth. How ironic that he’d been scared of those nightmares coming true, of Aaron leaving him, when in reality he was the one that had left Aaron? 

In the time Aaron had taken to have the shower, Robert had thrown things into the sports bag in such a haphazard way. It wasn’t normally the way Robert packed, but he hadn’t felt like himself in a long while. 

‘This isn’t working for either of us.’ 

Aaron’s eyes were swollen with unshed tears, but they weren’t unshed for very long. Tears escaped despite Aaron trying to squeeze his eyes shut to stop the leak. 

‘Why are you doing this?’ Aaron asked, voice deep and hard as though he was trying to force his words out through a heavy, constricted mouth. 

‘I always have to be the strong one.’

‘You can’t leave.’ Aaron’s face was desperate, his voice struggling and breaking eventually. 

‘I can’t stay here.’ That was such an understatement. The last few months had been tearing him up inside. 

***

The ache in his stomach five years later was enough to tell him that he shouldn’t have walked away, but five years ago he couldn’t see a way for them to get past it all. How could they get past the lack of intimacy in their relationship? It wasn’t just the lack of sex or the lack of Aaron initiating physical contact with Robert: Aaron hadn’t been talking to him. They had stopped communicating their thoughts and feelings to each other about the important things. Looking at Aaron in those days before Robert left, Aaron had been shutting himself off from Robert. He knew Aaron wasn’t coping, but Aaron wasn’t sharing any of his feelings with Robert. 

However, kissing Aaron was as magical as the last day their lips had touched. His body tingled and ached for that touch again. Five years later and kissing was the most natural way of expressing themselves. Well, one of their natural ways of expressing themselves. 

The front door opened and Vic came in. Robert realised he should hide the hat, but he didn’t want to lose that contact with Aaron. Therefore, when his sister came in the room he still clutched it in his hands. He wanted to retain a tangible link to Aaron. It could be small and threadbare, but any link Robert would take because he couldn’t give up.

How could he give up when he was hopelessly, helplessly, needlessly in love with Aaron? 

Not after that kiss. 

Not after the way that Aaron felt in his arms. Or smelt. Or sounded. 

‘I’m knackered.’ Victoria slunked down onto the settee and folded her small legs beneath her body. She turned to him. ‘How was your night? Did you see Aaron?’ She grinned at him, as she asked the final question. 

He knew a question about Aaron would be high on her list of conversation starters when she came back home. But instead of answering it, he looked down at the hat in his hand remembering a time before he left where he had placed the hat on Aaron’s head, covering over Aaron’s curls that he loved to fondle and play with. It was a time before the one night stand and their wedding, but they had been happy. Elated in fact. It had been one of those moments where all the love he felt for Aaron was pulsating through his body, bubbling to the surface and itching at his lips until he verbalised his feelings. 

‘Uh-oh,’ Vic said turning to him, eyes squinting and a ripple prominent in the middle of her forehead. ‘Something happened, didn’t it?’

‘Just a kiss. Aaron pulled away and said he couldn’t do it.’

She shook her head at him. ‘That means bull. You kissed. That’s further than you were this time a week ago.’

Robert sighed and fingered the hat, pulling at it and wrapping it around his hand.

‘Anybody can see that he still loves you. You only need to look at Si to realise that he’s not over you.’ She paused before adding. ‘And it’s you and Aaron. You’ll get back together.’

‘But what if we don’t?’

‘Have you told him you still love him?’

‘Yes. And I think he loves me too. But he can’t seem to get past me leaving all those years ago. He said I’d given up on us.’

‘Well, you did didn’t ya?’

He knew his sister was right. The truth was painful as it weighed down on his eardrums. 

‘You need to prove to him that he’s what you want and that you’re not going to walk away again. Regardless of what happens in the future.’

‘And how do I do that?’ He had to ask that question since it was quite a pertinent one. Any advice to win Aaron back he would willingly take as though his life depended on it. 

Because his whole life depended on getting Aaron back. 

His whole happiness and reason for being. 

‘Well, you could take his hat to him for a start.’ Her eyes locked onto the hat he was now wrapping around a clamped fist. ‘I’d do it pretty soon before you tear it into a mess and he’ll have no hat left.’

Taking Aaron’s hat back he could do. His stomach fizzed and buzzed at the prospect of seeing Aaron. What would he say? How could he convince Aaron to take him back? How could he convince Aaron that he was serious and was never going to give up on their relationship ever again?

Whatever he said, he needed to give it another go. He couldn’t give up on Aaron a second time.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is having to deal with both Jason and Si at the Mill...

‘So, Livesy. Are you gonna introduce me to Blondie?’ Jason squared up to Si and looked him up and down. ‘Although, I have to say he looks the spit of your first Blondie. Is there a club of them or something?’

‘You don’t need an introduction, Jason, as you’re leaving,’ Aaron said, voice deep and harsh, pushing himself into Jason’s eyeline and shifting weight from one foot to the other. 

The sooner Jason left, the sooner Aaron could deal with Si reappearing even after he said their “relationship” was over. He used quotation marks around the word because he knew that they had never had a proper relationship. He didn’t know all of Si’s quirks and foibles and, frankly, he didn’t want to. Just like Si didn’t know everything about him. He’d kept Si at arm’s length for two reasons: he was reticent about opening his heart up to anyone as it was still raw and inflamed; and Si wasn’t Robert despite how much Aaron oscillated between wishing Si was and glad that he wasn’t.

His pendulum was currently pointing to the notion that Si couldn’t hold a chandelier to how dazzling Robert’s brightness was. 

‘Ahh.’ Jason stepped back and shook his head into a frown. ‘I’m not going anywhere, Livesy.’ He strode over to the settee and plonked himself down, lifting his dirty boots up so they thudded on the coffee table in front of him. ‘I can make myself at home until I get my money. I can wait all night, if I have to.’

‘And you’re a muppet if you think I’ve got £10,000 in my back pocket just to hand over to you.’ Aaron said the words with a curl of his lips, but inside he knew that there would be no way for him to pay Jason back. On principal Jason didn’t deserve that money, but Aaron didn’t have that amount lying around to give to a venomous bully. 

‘Why do you owe him £10,000?’ Si asked. The concern on Si’s face - the way his mouth opened in a large vacant hole - made Aaron angry. 

What was Si even doing there when Aaron had split up with him a couple of hours ago? He had to ask Si and waited for an answer hoping that it wasn’t going to be some pathetic excuse not to give up on them, that they were love’s young dream. In fact, they were love’s young nightmare.

‘I came to get the rest of my things.’ The normal smile on Si’s face was replaced with a pained expression. Glimpses of tears glistened as Si blinked them to the surface. 

‘Awww, has Livesy split up with you? Are you going to cry yourself to sleep tonight because of it?’

‘You know what, Jason? I think your sarcastic mouth is just desperate for a kiss off me. But I don’t go for bigots.’

‘And I’m obviously not your type. You seem to go for blondes with elbow patches. So you kicking this blondie out because you’ve got the old one back?’

‘That’s what I want to know, too,’ Si said looking expectantly for some form of clarity in all the muddiness of the evening. 

‘Ooh, Livesy. You are a naughty boy playing away from home.’

‘I don’t know why you’re still here because I can’t pay you £10,000. And even if I could, I wouldn’t be giving it to the likes of you.’

‘I wouldn’t be so quick to dimiss my threat. I’m sure Blondie Number One’s face wouldn’t look so pretty once I get my fist into it. I might not even stop and give him a breather. It depends on how riled up I am anyway. And I always get really riled up when people don’t pay me the money they owe.’ Jason leaned back in the settee before placing his hands against the back of his head, elbows in the air akimbo. 

All the anger that Aaron had kept below the surface bubbled up at the mere mention of Robert being attacked. Aaron lunged at Jason, grabbed for the collar of his coat before smashing Jason’s back into the wall. ‘You lay a finger on Robert and that will be the last thing you do.’

Jason laughed in his face. ‘So I was right. You have dumped Blondie Number Two for Blondie Number One.’ He moved his head an inch, as that was all Aaron’s grip would allow him, to look at Si. ‘Is he this macho when he’s defending your honour?’

‘No.’ It was blunt and sharp from Si but Aaron could hear the sadness in that one syllable. 

‘I bet that hurts knowing that you were only keeping his bed warm until Robert returned.’ He then turned his attention back to Aaron, which wasn’t difficult as Aaron had no intention of letting him go. ‘Is this one a poor substitute?’

‘Why are you so bothered, Jason?’ Aaron answered with another question. ‘ You really should do something about that repressed homosexuality. Are you jealous or something? 

Jason scrunched his nose up again. ‘Of a fairy like you? Nah!’ He let out a small sarcastic laugh. ‘I just want my money.’

‘You’ll be grey and old before you get it.’ Aaron’s head shook and he lowered his lips into a frown in emphasis that it was never going to happen. 

‘I’ll just have to find out where Robert lives then.’

‘You find out and I’ll be on the other side of the door. You hurt him and you’ve got me to deal with.’ The suffering of the last five years was a dull ache in comparison to the anguish over-taking his whole body at the thought of Robert getting hurt by Jason. 

If Jason laid a finger on Robert, Aaron knew he would not be held responsible for his actions. 

‘I’m really shaking in my boots. I’ve had women scarier than you.’

‘Aaron, leave it. He’s really not worth it,’ Si said coming to his side. Si was the same as always: hopeful and eager. Normally, Aaron would feel some guilt for using Si but today he felt pity. Si was delusional in thinking his opinion meant anything to Aaron.

But Robert, on the other hand... Robert’s opinion meant everything despite what Aaron did and said to the contrary. 

‘Yeah, Livesy. Listen to your ex. That’s a good little boy.’ Jason struggled to pat Aaron’s chest with his hand. 

‘I don’t take orders from anybody. Now unless you do one soon, I’m going to call the police.’

‘What about the money you owe me? I could tell them about that.’

‘There’s no proof. And you wouldn’t want to incriminate yourself that’s for sure. I’m sure you’re not that much of a muppet.’ He glanced back at Jason, noticing the desperate look that had taken hold of Jason’s features. ‘Or perhaps you are that much of a muppet.’

He dragged Jason to the door, despite his enemy trying to get out of his grip. 

‘So do me a favour and do one. I don’t want to see your ugly face again.’

He opened the door into the porch, gathering momentum to fling Jason out of the building. However, he ended up throwing Jason into Robert’s path, as Robert approached the front door from the drive.

‘I’ll have ya.’ Jason squared up to Robert getting in his face and leaving only inches between their two foreheads. 

Aaron hurtled down the drive after Jason. When he neared them, Aaron wrestled for Jason’s chest and struggled to drag Jason away from Robert. However, it seemed Jason was intent on lashing out and his strength was something Aaron was attempting to overcome. 

Pushing Robert to the floor, Jason wasn’t one to beat in sheer strength, force and power. 

‘I know you’re eager, but you’re really not my type.’ The sarcastic retort came from Robert as he tried to use his arms to push Jason off him. They were flailing around but each movement of his arms didn’t help him in succeeding. 

Wincing at the memory of Cain’s attack on Robert, Aaron had to do something because, despite everything that had gone on over the last five years, he couldn’t endure Robert getting pummelled. He couldn’t endure Robert in any type of pain. He’d rather gouge his own heart and eyes out of his body than suffer the torment and torture of seeing any harm come to Robert. 

Clasping his arms around Jason and pulling him away from a defenseless Robert was difficult to do. Jason seemed to be as solid as a mountain and about as heavy as a cave. Like both a cave and mountain, the core strength was natural and a part of Jason that Aaron couldn’t move. 

Beads of sweat formed around his forehead and above his upper lip. Normally, he would wipe it away but he couldn’t let Robert get attacked by Jason. None of that mattered any more. Only Robert. 

Robert: the only man he ever wanted. 

Robert: the only man he ever needed.

The only man he loved with all of his heart. 

Aaron wasn’t willing to give up when it came to protecting Robert’s life, if it was ever in jeopardy. He closed his eyes and focused every ounce of his concentration onto grabbing hold of Jason’s chest. But then an idea came to him. Could he roll him over? Or use Robert’s position to his advantage? 

Aaron’s eyes locked on to Robert’s. He could see the fear overwhelming Robert’s blue-green pools, which was a foreign concept for both of them. Robert was suave and arrogant and so frustratingly annoying and cocky. Scared was not part of his repertoire, which meant Aaron had to attempt anything to protect Robert. 

‘Push,’ he mouthed to Robert. ‘Now.’

Both their arms and hands clasped at Jason, harder and in sync with each other. They struggled and struggled, but their two against one would always win and they managed to slowly and gradually push Jason off Robert. The strength from both of them caused Jason to fall backwards on to the ground. 

It all happened in a blink of an eye, but Jason noted Robert’s slowness at getting up and lashed out at him, pounding Robert’s cheek with a hard right hook. He raised his clenched fist up to Robert again, ready to aim a punch right in his nose. 

Unwilling to let Jason draw that punch, Aaron hauled himself in front of Robert and felt the pound of Jason’s knuckles against his cheek. 

‘Aaron!’ It was Robert’s scream. Robert was at his side, checking him over unaware that Jason was still wanting Robert’s blood on his hands. 

Aaron realised that if he couldn’t move Jason out of the way, he would have to move Robert. Grabbing Robert by the arm, he ignored the tingles that were running down his spine as their skins touched, and pulled Robert up. He dragged Robert, hoping that they wouldn’t stumble, hoping that they could reach the house behind them before Jason beat them there. 

Galloping away in his chest, his heartbeat rates were so fast that he could hear the pounding and see his chest hiccup with every beat. Everything was blurry, but he felt a second pair of hands helping him close the door, bolting it shut. 

All he heard was Robert’s voice, as he tried to regain focus. 

‘Police please.’ Robert was on his mobile. ‘Yeah, we have a man outside the house that threatened me and hit me and my friend. He won’t go away… we’ve currently locked the door… yeah, The Mill, Main Street, Emmerdale.’

Robert had called him a ‘friend’. He hated that term, didn’t want to be friends with Robert. 

As Robert lowered his hand to put his phone away, the term Robert used was the least of Aaron’s worries: he noticed that blood was seeping out of a cut on Robert’s cheek. The same area where Jason’s fist had attacked Robert’s beautiful face. 

‘You’re hurt.’ Aaron gesticulated to the wound. 

Robert fingered the graze with the pads of his fingertips, dispersing the blood and winced. He focused on the blood before concern fixed itself in every corner of his face. Not for his own wound, but for Aaron as he moved closer to Aaron and scrunched his eyebrows together.

‘I’m fine. What about you? You took quite a hit from him. He’s a psycho.’ Robert moved closer to Aaron and peered at the area on his face that was smarting and stinging from the forceful contact with Jason’s knuckles. 

Aaron felt a tsunami of love flood out of every pore on his body. He wanted to shout to Robert to watch his head as the love overtook the room, sloshing at the walls and wanting to flood out underneath the doors. 

The love Aaron always felt for Robert was so powerful that he would need a raft to keep himself afloat. He could try paddling away from Robert, but what was the point when he was like the water falling down the plughole: the pull was always there and too strong to ever deny. 

He moved closer to Robert, pretending to be casual about it, pretending that his heartbeat was plodding along at a slower pace instead of the cantering race it was trying to do towards the finish line. 

The finish line of Robert naked on their bed and hungry eyes glancing over Aaron, a sexy smirk on his face. Aaron couldn’t think about that now and pushed those thoughts away. 

Instead, he entered Robert’s personal space, feeling his body tremble at the proximity. His breath caught in his chest and refused to come out of his mouth and nose, stopping him from exhaling. As soon as he touched Robert, the electricity surged through his veins bringing him to life. He had been a dead machine without Robert and now he was charging to activity, buzzing and singing and animated. 

‘I’m alright,’ Robert said. 

Aaron felt Robert’s breath on his neck as he turned to look at him. ‘No you’re not.’ He jolted towards the First Aid box that was in the cupboard under the sink, washed his hands before ripping open an alcohol wipe. 

With all the care a mother might give her newborn, he set about cleaning Robert’s cut. As the wipe made the initial contact with Robert’s open wound, he felt Robert’s face flinch below his hands. However, he soothed the skin around the wound by stroking it with his left hand. He hoped that the stinging at the hurt area was juxtaposed with the loving strokes that were gentle as spun candy floss. That Robert was focusing on the gentle stroke and not the pain. 

He felt Robert’s head turn towards his, felt the warmness of Robert’s breath on his neck and knew without a shadow of a doubt that the precipice that he was teetering on the edge of was going to escape from underneath his footing. He was going to fall over the edge of platonic and back into the luminous glow and euphoria of loving Robert. It was clear as the stars shining in the night sky. And if he was being truthful, it was just as beautiful and magical as that as well. 

Robert whose lips were inches from his. Robert whose fingers were brushing his neck in the way that Aaron always loved. Robert whose magnetic kiss was in reach. 

‘The police are here.’ Si’s voice broke their moment.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the policeman leaves, Aaron, Robert and Si are left at the Mill...

Every time Robert answered the policeman’s enquiries, he couldn’t evade the death glares Si threw his way. They were sharp and pointed, but Robert’s skin was tefal-like in quality and he brushed it off his skin like brushing annoying biscuit crumbs off a settee. 

He also couldn’t disregard the way that Si’s relentless pandering to Aaron was annoying his ex-husband. The tell-tale signs were there: the way Aaron’s jaw muscles twitched and constricted each time Si opened his mouth; the way Aaron would chew on his bottom lip every time Si asked him if he was okay; and the way Aaron’s answers were terse and sharp in response. They definitely weren’t love’s young dream. 

However, Robert knew that. 

He only had to rewind to the memory of his lips on Aaron’s to realise that Si and Aaron were unimportant in the grand scheme of things. It was like Si and Aaron were a haiku that ended before it began, which nobody was interested in reading. Whereas, Aaron and Robert … 

They were an epic romance novel that was nowhere near finished. How could they be finished when they were still separated? Their story could only ever be over when they were back in each other’s arms again, surely? It had to end like that. Robert couldn’t handle any other ending, would call for the manuscript to be rewritten again and again until he had the ending that satisfied him. Living without Aaron wasn’t something he wanted to do, wasn’t even prepared to consider again. 

Si, on the other hand, was delusional when neon signs were glaring at them, lighting up the words ‘Aaron’s not interested’ for everyone to see. Even the policeman seemed to do a double take when Aaron gave Si an acerbic answer; however, Robert knew that Aaron’s polite ‘no’ was fake when he was sure Aaron wanted to tell Si to ‘do one.’ It was such an Aaron phrase to use, and Robert felt his lips arch into a smirk at the excitement - and it really was excitement and pleasure - that he felt brewing inside his stomach and nearly bubbling to the surface. Aaron was going to turn Si down because Aaron loved Robert, right? 

Within a few minutes of the policeman going and taking away a disgruntled Jason in his van, Robert eyed the situation between Aaron and Si. 

‘I think you should get the rest of your things and go,’ Aaron said in Si’s direction. 

The words stopped Si dead in his tracks and Robert saw the anguish evident in his rival’s features. The contrast between Si’s sadness and the hope that was pumping throughout Robert’s veins couldn’t have been any greater or more obvious. 

‘But, I thought we could talk. You, know, sort through this and save our relationship.’

If Robert didn’t despise the idea of Si so much, with every fibre he had in him, for the simple fact that Si had been sharing a bed with Aaron for the best part of a year, he would probably pity the man. He might have even flirted with feeling embarrassment and wincing at the blond haired man, but he didn’t. He was just glad Aaron was giving Si his marching orders. 

Aaron dragged his bottom lip through his clenched teeth. With that simple act, Robert’s attention was fixed on Aaron’s soft lips and how he relished in the feeling of them against his own, against any part of his body that Aaron would sprinkle in kisses, or even as they circled his hard-on, licking and sucking until he was ready to explode. Every touch from Aaron came with the same euphoric feeling of making him soar and fly with the countryside birds.

‘What relationship? I told you we’re over.’ 

Robert watched as Aaron’s mouth formed each syllable making the ordinary words seem the sexiest sentences to ever grace the English language. He glanced up at Aaron’s searing blue eyes and felt the power in them that always meant Aaron could read his very thoughts and see into his soul. 

Aaron was reading his soul now, knew exactly why he hadn’t even tried to leave the Mill since the policeman had gone. 

‘But -’ Si tried. 

‘Please just go. You’re only making it worse.’

‘It’s all because he came back, isn’t it?’ The words were spat in Robert’s direction, as Si aimed his pointed finger at Robert . Si’s blue-green eyes became tiny slits as he squinted at Robert. ‘You’re getting back together, aren’t you?’ Si’s normal alabaster complexion was blotchy and red. His rival’s chest was heaving and Robert worried that Si was in the middle of his change between his two Jekyll and Hyde personas. 

‘We’re not getting back together.’

Robert pretended that his heart hadn’t been pierced multiple times at Aaron’s words. Perhaps he should go himself. Perhaps he should continue with his plans of leaving Emmerdale, or giving Aaron such a wide berth that there would be many miles between them like the time he left five years ago. But his feet refused to move. 

He was never giving up on Aaron again. 

Aaron could shout at Robert until he was exasperated and had no breath left in his body, but Robert couldn’t walk away again. 

Not since there was a gaping juxtaposition between what Aaron was saying, the words leaving his mouth, and his actions. While his words screamed ‘leave me alone. We are over,’ his concern for Robert and the look in his eyes when he was attending to Robert’s wound suggested that truly pushing Robert away from him was the furthest thing from his mind. 

‘And even if we were, it is none of your business. We’re not together anymore. So get your stuff and do one.’

Robert’s tongue peeked out of his mouth and his right eyebrow arched up. There was Aaron’s signature phrase and Robert loved him for it. But then he loved every ounce of Aaron’s body: every irritating bad habit and everything that made Aaron unique. 

Aaron’s eyes turned cold and unfeeling, the way they had sometimes changed towards Robert in the past, but this time Robert stayed put and watched with curiosity as Si climbed the spiralled staircase to his old bedroom. Si must have thrown what little possessions he had upstairs into a black bin liner because he was thudding down the stairs only minutes later. 

When his foot left the last step, Si tried again to reason with Aaron. ‘If we could just talk, you’ll see how much-’

‘I’ve said my piece so just go.’ Aaron strode over to the door, opened it and waited for Si to go out of it before he slammed the door behind Si.

With the thunder that was evident on Aaron’s face, Robert wasn’t sure what he could say then. Would a whisper of a push send Aaron off in a spiral that meant Robert would be in the dog house too? 

But as soon as Aaron turned to Robert, the anger in his face had dissipated. ‘How’s the cut?’ Aaron inspected Robert’s injured cheek, moving himself closer so that he could feel Aaron’s breath on his face, could see each individual hair of Aaron’s stubble and the curve and lines of Aaron’s lips. 

He didn’t know how long his lips could keep away from Aaron’s lips. 

The proximity to Aaron was startling yet something that he always wanted, always needed. 

‘It’s alright now,’ he said, as his hand - like a magnetic clasp - found its way to Aaron’s neck. He pulled Aaron in, felt the way his body trembled at the prospect of kissing Aaron, how his heart quivered at the very idea of their lips touching again. 

Why did they always find themselves right there at that moment? Why could they never stay away from each other?

Aaron’s lips were inches from his, foreheads touching, but instead of closing the gap Aaron’s breath whispered into his mouth. ‘Robert, I can’t do this.’

‘What?’ He hoped he was imagining Aaron speaking. His breath caught in his mouth at Aaron’s words. 

‘I can’t have us get back together for you to just walk off whenever things get bad again. I just can’t do it.’

‘I’m not going anywhere.’ He meant it and would do anything to Aaron to prove it. 

‘You said that last time and you did.’

‘I won’t. I promise.’

Aaron lifted his head up and backed away. ‘I can’t do it. You broke me and I can’t be fixed. And I’ve had too many of your promises to last me a lifetime.’

‘Next time you could be the one to walk away.’

Aaron shook his head. ‘I wouldn’t.’ A tear escaped from behind Aaron’s closed eyes. He swallowed a heavy gulp before he said, ‘Please go.’

‘We were happier together than apart. We can be happy again.’ Robert had to continue trying because that’s what you did when you were fighting for the love of your life, right? You had to constantly have hope because living without it was like living in a deluge. 

‘No, you need to leave Emmerdale.’ Aaron’s gaze was on the door behind him. He was refusing to meet Robert’s eyes, which told Robert everything he needed to know. 

‘You don’t mean that.’

‘I do.’ It was final and it left Robert wondering how the hell was he going to change Aaron’s mind. When Aaron finally met his gaze, he could see the lies in Aaron's blue pools. He knew Aaron had been lying, had pretty much banked on it, but while Aaron was pretending that he didn’t need or want Robert, Robert was wondering when Aaron would admit that he did. 

Because Robert knew Aaron needed him and wanted him. 

He needed and wanted Aaron too. 

Aaron opened the door and Robert walked out deflated and dejected. He didn’t have anything left to say to Aaron. 

Not for the first time - and Robert was sure it wouldn’t be the last time either - he wished he hadn’t left that day five years ago. 

It wasn’t over. He’d regroup, recharge his batteries and try to convince Aaron that he wasn’t going anywhere.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron can't sleep...

Aaron had been laid in the darkened bedroom staring at the four walls for hours. Every time he turned over to face the empty space in the bed next to him, he felt Robert and could smell Robert’s spicy oakwood aroma. It was peculiar because Robert hadn’t been in their bed - yes, it would always be their bed - for five years. However, he felt Robert brush up against his back, felt Robert arms enclose him in a spoon and felt Robert’s chin nuzzled into his neck. 

While it was disconcerting, he couldn’t shake the memory of Robert. 

Perhaps he had been too hasty earlier when he told Robert to leave Emmerdale? 

He realised he had been blunt, but he couldn’t fall off the precipice of loving Robert again only to be swallowed up by that painful abyss when Robert decided to leave. He would leave because that’s what everyone did. Nobody stayed around. Nobody loved Aaron and stayed. 

If Aaron had his sensible head on, he knew there were no guarantees when it came to love, knew that he could be the one to walk away. He considered the probability of that happening would be one in a million. 

Why would he ever want to leave Robert when Robert was the greatest love of his life? 

It wasn’t a hyperbole; it was true. Nobody before or after Robert would ever compare to him. It was one of the reasons why Aaron had ended it with Si: despite shuddering every time they touched, he was filled with gut-wrenching guilt. Being with another man was betraying Robert, especially when Aaron replayed minor scenes in his relationship with Robert instead of enjoying some form of intimacy with Si. The minor scenes then flowed into those iconic scenes that would never leave Aaron’s mind, as they were ingrained into his memory. 

Aaron’s body, his lips, were meant for Robert’s consumption, were meant to fit with every part of Robert. Jigsaw pieces that only matched with each other and jarred when they tried to fit with other pieces. He fizzed and sparkled and had Marlon’s ‘zingles’ when he was with Robert. He shuddered with all those one-night stands. Shuddered and shivered with Si. 

He wasn’t a religious man but if he had been, he would have declared that he and Robert were God’s greatest design. They made sense. 

Always did. 

Always would.

Perhaps he had gone down the tired route of self-harming. Instead of hurting himself, he had pushed Robert away again, lashing out at Robert for abandoning their relationship, when in reality pushing Robert away meant that he was hurting himself. 

Exhausted with the thoughts running through his mind, he got up and turned the bedside lamp on. He rummaged through his sock drawer and found the red box and padded over to the bed with it. Once perched on the bed, he opened it and marvelled at the silver band, feeling the coldness against his fingertips. The band was never-ending just like Aaron’s love for Robert. Demanding that he force his feelings to stop was never an option. He could never turn off the switch to his heart. 

His heart would always have a speed-dial connection to Robert; therefore, he didn’t need to be wearing the ring to keep connected to his ex-husband. He half expected to put the ring back in the velvet inlay and place the box in the bin - after all it was his usual ritual that consumed his thoughts and hours. Instead he placed the ring on the appropriate finger, placed the box on his bedside table and turned the light off. Within minutes he was fast asleep.

However, his dreams were an extension of his worries in his waking life. Nightmares clung to his mind: ones where Robert (beautiful, funny, sexy Robert) was fully back in Aaron’s life and then suddenly disappeared leaving Aaron searching every nook and cranny of the dreamscape for him.

He was embroiled in a painful nightmare when he was woken up. 

‘Aaron!’ 

It was a yell, and a high-pitched one at that, from Liv. 

Aaron rubbed at his face and then realised that he was still wearing the ring. 

‘Aaron! Come quick!’ The urgency in Liv’s voice was getting more palpable with every syllable uttered.

He rushed down the spiral staircase and followed Liv as she rushed out of their flat door into the communal porch area. It was then that she pointed her index finger through the front door of the Mill, and Aaron’s gaze followed. 

Robert. What was he doing at the end of the driveway? 

Aaron squinted his eyes and focused on the placard that Robert, who was wearing his green Barbour coat, was gripping onto in his hands. Emblazoned in thick black paint were the words: I love you, Aaron.

Just like all the other times that Robert had declared his love for Aaron, Aaron’s stomach did a cartwheel. He loved hearing it, loved every single formation of the words and how they sounded to his ears and to his heart. This was no exception. 

‘How long’s he been stood there for?’ Aaron asked, turning to Liv and hoping that the tone in his voice was devoid of any emotion. 

His eyes couldn’t stay on Liv for too long and they returned to Robert. Robert looked cold and blond-haired wisps were being swept around in the wind above his head. 

‘He was here when I woke up half an hour ago and came down for breakfast.’

Half an hour at least and it must be nearing nine o’clock on a Sunday morning. They used to snuggle together until well past midday on a Sunday, but then they used to spend hours pleasuring each other, finding new ways of exploring each other’s bodies and enjoying their favourite thing in the entire world. 

Aaron wondered who had been accompanying Robert in that favourite activity for the last five years. His fists clenched at the idea of anyone, but him, sleeping with Robert. 

But that was then, and now none of that mattered. It was a shame that Aaron’s brain felt that it mattered. He could never escape the memory of Robert on top of him, moving inside of him, the look on Robert’s face that showed how much pleasure he was experiencing as they moved in time with each other. 

He barged past Liv, back into the flat and retrieved his shoes and a jumper - after all the November chill was in the air and winter was on its way. With both on his feet and chest, he thundered outside and up to Robert at the end of the drive.

Intent on verbally sparring with Robert and then telling him to ‘do one’, the glistening tears in Robert’s eyes, the way his lips were parted as he battled against the wind and the way tramlines were visible on his forehead meant that Aaron’s words lodged themselves in his chest. To him Robert was without a doubt the sexiest man alive, but something about the pining in his looks - because Aaron hadn’t been so oblivious that he didn’t see pining in every ounce of Robert’s features when they shared a charged glance - made Robert even more attractive (if that was ever possible). His body ached for Robert, ached to feel his touch and the warmth of his kiss and -

No, he had to take all of his love and feelings for Robert and shelve it in the back of his mind. It was something that was inherent, something that he was required to hide unless he wanted Robert to have hope, despite everything he had said the previous night. 

Giving Robert hope was dangerous because a hopeful Robert wouldn’t let go. He’d push and push and Aaron would eventually give in. 

Therefore, he walked over to Robert trying to mask his love and his attraction. It should have been straightforward, but loving Robert was such a big part of who he was that perhaps he should erase the design of his whole body and start again. It was ingrained in his veins and in his DNA make-up. 

‘What are you doing here?’ Aaron was hoping for aggressive, but he knew that recently he had crossed a line - perhaps after Jason had attacked Robert - and all of his words to Robert were said with love. He couldn’t help it. 

‘Well, it’s nice to see you too,’ Robert said with a smirk and a glint of his award-winning smile. 

‘So?’ He wasn’t going to budge despite his heart doing star-jumps at the mere presence of Robert. The wind swept Robert’s aftershave towards Aaron, and he tried very hard not to breathe in the tantalising scent; however, it clung to his clothes, his nose and skin. 

‘I woke up this morning with the urge to tell you I love you. Because I do love you, Aaron. Completely. Wholly. I want to say it every day. I want you to hear it every day.’

Sometimes he hated that Robert was the most romantic person he knew. Sometimes he hated that those words still had the ability to shake his foundations like an earthquake reading a 9 on the richter scale. He wanted to steady his breathing, so he drew in air through his open mouth. It couldn’t steady his charging heart and it couldn’t stop the way his eyes locked with Robert’s blue-green seas. He had to break the connection, so he rubbed at his eyes with the pads of his hands. 

‘You’re wearing your ring.’

Aaron jerked his hand away and looked at the silver band that was still circling his ring finger. He pulled it off and put it in the pocket of his pyjama bottoms. 

His eyes darted back towards Robert’s and noticed the hope that was springing to life. Within a matter of seconds, Robert would be joyful and buoyant with hope: the exact thing Aaron didn’t want to give him. 

‘It doesn’t mean anything.’ The words rushed out in a garbled fashion. ‘Just like your grand gesture doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t guarantee you’ll stay and it definitely doesn’t show that you’re in it for the long haul.’ 

‘But I am. I want to be. I want us back together. It is the only place we should be. The only thing that makes sense.’

‘We don’t make sense,’ Aaron felt the words lie heavy in the air. ‘We never did.’ He detested what he had said. If he didn’t say something to push Robert away, he knew Robert would take the ring wearing as encouragement and continue pushing until Aaron’s defences caved completely. 

He knew he would cave. He couldn’t be desperately and hopelessly in love with Robert for the last eight years of his life and not cave in. Even though his words were final, he couldn’t avoid the realisation that had washed over him when Robert had first returned only a few days earlier: they would end up in bed together again at some point. 

The pull towards Robert was robust, delectable and alluring, that he would end up offering himself over to it. Body and soul. Their current status of being apart was not the end. He knew they would reunite in some capacity. In the meantime he continued fighting how every atom in his body craved Robert. He ached for their bodies to become one again that he was tempted to grab Robert’s hand and scramble up to their bedroom so they could reacquaint themselves with each other’s bodies. He knew if they gave into temptation then, they wouldn't resurface for days. He wouldn't be able to drag himself away from Robert until every craving for Robert was sated, not once but thrice. 

‘I’m not giving up and walking away again. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did.’ Robert’s face was set in determination and Aaron sensed tears were being blinked back behind Robert’s eyelids. 

‘Well if you won’t walk away, I will.’ He turned on his heel and went back into the house, pushing past Liv and straight up to his bedroom. He took the ring out of his pyjama trouser pocket and placed it in the inlay before throwing the box and ring in the bin. 

***

This time it stayed in the bin a few hours more than normal. Whenever Aaron’s fingers twitched and he felt the urge to retrieve the box, he looked through the window at Robert standing at the end of the drive and his resolve to keep it in the bin lasted. 

At about half twelve, Liv was chomping at the bit wanting to get dinner. He hated cooking at the best of times and the Sunday roast was a big fuss, so he suggested going to The Woolpack for dinner to enjoy Marlon’s Sunday roast instead of his own poor man’s version. He also wanted to witness Robert’s face as they walked down the drive and away from him. Part of him hoped that Robert had given up and gone home, but if he was being really truthful with himself he wanted Robert to continue proving a point. He wanted Robert out there, placard in hand declaring his love for Aaron and showing longevity. And at the moment, that part of him was gazumping the other. It had taken over 70% of his body. 

As he walked down the drive, his eyes flew straight to Robert’s. He found comfort in them even though Robert’s eyes were full of pain and longing. In that moment, his words and actions were years ahead of his thoughts, which meant that the next words out of his mouth were a total surprise, not only himself but also, to Liv.

‘I’m sure you’ve not had anything to eat since breakfast this morning, so why don’t you join us at The Woolie for dinner?’

Robert looked taken aback and didn’t know how to reply, but he didn’t pause too long for Aaron to take back his invitation. ‘Yeah, I could do with some food. I’m starving.’ Robert placed the placard on the edge of the drive and stretched out his arms above his head and then at his sides before rubbing the red dents that had formed in his palms.

Aaron felt his heart flood with sympathy and empathy for Robert. ‘I’ll be back in a second.’ Retrieving the keys from his pocket and opening the front door, he ran up the stairs, taking two at a time, until he went into their bedroom. Without wasting more time, he bent down and grabbed the red case from its precariously balanced position on top of the bin, snapped it open and drank in the sight of the ring in its velvet inlay. 

‘Aaron, what are you doing up there?’ Liv asked, her loud shout travelling up the stairs. 

‘Just getting something.’ 

He placed the opened box on his bedside table, realising that his icy veneer had started melting the previous day and soon it would be water on the floor, slippery and gushing around. He couldn’t turn off his feelings and love for Robert like you could turn off electricity or even water. If he was being honest, he didn’t want to turn it off. All the amazing, beautiful, tender moments in his life had been with Robert. 

Before heading downstairs, he ventured into Liv’s room and swiped some hand cream from on her desk. Liv wouldn’t miss it, not for today. 

Nearing the bottom of the stairs, he noticed Liv leaning against the door, arms folded across her chest. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’

‘What? His eyes narrowed pretending that he hadn’t a clue what she was talking about but knowing full well it was all about Robert. It always was. He couldn’t think clearly when Robert was in his vicinity and now was another example of that. 

‘Inviting Rob to lunch with us? What’s that all about?’

He took a deep breath to steady himself because he knew he would end up getting upset and tears would flood his eyes. ‘Liv, he’s been out there for the last three and a half hours in the cold. Cut him some slack.’

‘Just like you’re cutting him some slack.’ She turned to look out of the flat door, even though from that position she wouldn’t be able to see Robert, who was still stood at the end of the drive with his placard finally lowered. ‘You’ve slept with him, haven’t you?’

‘No.’

‘I don’t believe you. Something must have happened.’

‘Don’t believe me then.’ He barged past Liv for the second time that day and walked out of the flat and out of the front door of the Mill. He walked up the drive towards Robert, feeling weaker and weaker with every step he took and knowing that the pull towards Robert was getting stronger and stronger. 

Robert’s eyes and mouth smiled at him, a smile that was genuine and warm. The power of the smile set Aaron’s body alight with heat and passion. He pulled at the neck of the hooded coat he was wearing, as it felt restricting and hot against his blushing neck. Nobody had ever had the ability to make a red glow suffuse across Aaron’s cheeks. Robert had been the only one to really break down Aaron’s walls, to be allowed inside and know the real Aaron instead of the surly facade he showed the outside world.

When he neared Robert, he tried to be as aloof as possible, but he knew yet again that the tone of his voice relayed his true feelings. He refused to look Robert in the eyes, as he tossed the hand cream at Robert. ‘Don’t say I never give you anything.’

Robert must have caught it and applied it because he didn’t hear the tube fall to the floor. 

Avoiding Robert’s eye contact would be the only way he could evade the inevitable of his boxers being pulled down and the two of them getting naked, sweaty and building up their own furnace that would put even the roaring sun to shame. 

***

The three of them walked in a comfortable uncomfortable silence all the way to The Woolpack. When they got there, Aaron tried to ignore the stares from his mum behind the bar and Adam at a nearing table. Both of them squinted their eyes, questioning this latest development in Aaron’s life and shocked that they would ever see Aaron, Liv and Robert at a table together again. 

‘I’m going to the toilet,’ Robert said before getting up and leaving their table. 

Chas and Adam rushed over and confronted Aaron. ‘What’s going on?’ his mother asked nearly shouting, as her words were that sharp and pointed. 

‘Yeah, I want to know too. The last we spoke of it, you said you weren’t going to go there again,’ Adam said. 

‘You haven’t, have you? You know,’ Chas looked around her before lowering her voice, ‘Slept with him again?’

‘No, I haven’t. We’re not getting back together. Ever.’ Aaron had to pause after saying those words because the taste of them in his throat was bitter and they stung at his gums and teeth as they left his mouth. He swallowed it away and wouldn’t let himself think about it, couldn’t let himself think about it. ‘He’s just been stood outside our flat for the last three and a half hours holding a placard declaring he loves me.’

‘And that’s not odd?’ his mother scrunched her nose up. ‘Not at all.’ 

‘You’re cracking,’ Adam offered. 

‘No, I’m not cracking. I just thought that he needed food. He must be starving by now and he wasn’t going to move himself.’

‘Well, that’s his own fault for standing out in the cold like a numpty for the last three hours,’ Liv said. 

‘There’s giving him a sandwich to eat, and there’s going for a meal with him. I just worry about you, love.’

Aaron turned to his mum, as she said the last words. 

Having her son’s attention, Chas then continued speaking, ‘It’s just when it comes to Robert, you’re a man in love and you can’t think straight. I just don’t want to see you getting hurt again.’

Aaron sighed, wondering whether they were going to ever trust him. Or perhaps they knew the inevitable would happen. ‘Read my lips. Nothing has happened. Nothing is going to happen.’

Glancing at Robert, who was coming through the door, Adam said, ‘Well you need to tell him that then.’

Aaron’s eyes followed Adam’s and focused on Robert’s handsome face. God, he was handsome and beautiful and so sexy. Robert was the epitome of sexy. The way he strode into the Woolpack with purpose, coming over to the table, was capable of doing all sorts of delicious things to Aaron's insides. And when Robert’s eyes were on his, he felt the air returning to his lungs. The air that he was sure he had been breathing, but with one look at Robert he knew he had been heaving and gasping ever since Robert had left five years ago. It was only now that he could start to breath properly again since Robert was nearby. 

Before Robert took the final steps over to the table, Chas and Adam scarpered and went back to their respective positions, so they could watch the show from their previous view. 

‘I can hazard a guess what they came over here for.’

‘They think something is going on between the two of us.’

‘It wouldn’t be want for trying on my part.’ Robert glanced up at him and the look, the longing in Robert’s eyes that he had been avoiding earlier, floored him. Eyes locked with Robert was really like coming home. 

After they had ordered their meals - three Sunday roasts for Marlon to prepare - Aaron shifted in his seat and tried to avoid eye contact with Robert again; however, he knew that while his eyes inspected his hands, the seams of his jumper and and his black trousers, Robert’s blue-green pools never left his. He looked up numerous times to find Robert eying him up and down, eyes overflowing with love and want.

‘So when you abandoned us five years ago, what did you end up doing with your time that was more important than us?’ Liv wasn’t one to skirt around a subject and went in for the jugular. 

Robert swirled his pint around, searching in it for some answer to the question before looking up at Liv and then Aaron. ‘I kept running because I knew if I stopped I’d realise what a terrible mistake I had made. It was a terrible mistake. I missed you both. We were a family, the only family I have ever had.’ 

Aaron had to look up at Robert’s face as he said the next words, had to know how it affected Robert’s features.

Robert paused, gulped back a deep breath and waited to blink back the tears that had overwhelmed his eyes. ‘I ruined everything by walking away, and I would do anything at all to take that day back, to have us be that strong family unit again.’ He turned his whole attention to Aaron, moving his whole body to face Aaron. ‘I’ve been miserable every single day since I walked away from you, Aaron. I meant what I say. I love you. And I wanted to tell you today, after I wasted so much time of my life not being able to tell you.’

He felt Robert and Liv’s eyes on him, searing into him and expecting some sort of response. 

‘Was there anyone else in between?’ He had to ask since the question had been burning a hole in his tongue since the day that Robert had come back. 

‘There were a few one-night stands at the start because I thought I could shag you out of my system. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t move on, so after five one-night stands, which were empty and emotionless, I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore.’

‘Robert Sugden, celibate? I don’t believe that.’ The words didn’t fit together, as Aaron said the sentence. 

‘Why would I want something that didn’t compare, that was worthless when all I really wanted was you? I got into this position in the first place because of an emotionless shag. I wasn’t going to spend the rest of my life with another one when all I wanted was you. You’re all I want, Aaron. You’re all I need.’

For a moment, Aaron forgot how to breath and felt like he was an Alzheimer’s patient that couldn’t remember the basics of how his body functioned. Robert may have been spouting words, but those words hit the correct mark on Aaron’s heart and they wouldn’t let go.

Liv glanced between the two of them like a spectator at a tennis match, wondering who was going to win in the next serve. She was expectantly staring at Aaron; however, he couldn’t say the words he wanted to say - that he didn’t need Robert and never did. 

How could he possibly say the words that weren’t true when there had been such a heartfelt declaration from Robert?

He always wanted and needed Robert. 

So instead they continued sitting together, waiting for their meal to arrive, and tentatively asking about each other’s lives, realising that despite their misconceptions, they still wanted and needed each other and always would. 

However, Aaron pretended that it wasn’t happening. Denial was his friend. Denial would save his heart from breaking again.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert arrives at the Mill with a new placard in his hand...

As Robert approached the drive of the Mill with a new placard in hand, he stopped to take the hat, gloves and scarf out of his pockets and used them to protect himself from the biting cold and imminent snow. The former had left cars and paths frosty; the latter was threatening to attack the whole of Emmerdale at some point that day and create a human snow globe of the village. 

He prayed that the snow would hold off until the evening when he could use the heating at Victoria’s house to get rid of the wintry temperatures. He could use the heating to dispel the coldness on his skin, as his body seemed to be running at a higher temperature since he noticed Aaron wearing his ring. 

It had to mean something, surely?

Being invited to The Woolpack for Sunday lunch meant something as well, as did the way Aaron was looking at him with eyes full of so much love and longing. Aaron had tried to deny it by being blunt and uncooperative, but Robert knew Aaron’s eyes roved over him, flickering up and down, whilst they were eating their meal. There had been a moment when their eyes had met from across the table and Robert could have convinced himself that it was February 2017 and they were at the height of their love. Aaron’s eyes were shining with it but then as their gazes interlocked, Aaron’s body stiffened and he inspected the skin around his knuckles. There were other glances up at Robert but they were short and interspersed with Aaron pushing the last of his roast potatoes around his plate. 

Those two reasons were why Robert was outside the Mill yet again on a cold Monday morning. It was dark outside, but that wasn’t putting him off. He couldn’t let the one thing he wanted and needed slip through his fingertips when it was all within reach. He knew Aaron loved him and wanted him as equally as he loved and wanted Aaron, which is why he had written out a new placard: Nobody else comes close to you, Aaron.

He’d wait all day in the cold, if he had to. He’d do anything for Aaron. 

After an hour of waiting there, wondering what he would say to Aaron and his mind replaying their first meeting all those years ago in the barn, he noticed the first few lights on in the flat and then a twitch at the curtains before Aaron came out again.

‘What are you doing here again?’ Aaron glanced down at the placard, eyes flickering with an inch of pleasure as he read the words, before checking himself and returning his mouth to the distinguishable frown that it was normally set with. 

Robert felt the heat in him growing and emanating throughout the whole of his body at the tiniest of a response from his ex. 

‘I wanted to tell you that nobody else comes close to you, Aaron.’ The words had been eating Robert up for the last five hours - ever since he had woken up realising that he had to tell Aaron how he felt again. Once the words were in the ether, Robert’s back and shoulders relaxed. 

‘You made your point yesterday, so go home, Robert. Especially when you are recycling lines from over five years ago.’ 

Aaron’s gaze was on Robert, his chin raised and those lips so kissable and juicy. Aaron’s tongue glided over the bottom lip and it meant that Robert had to resist the urge to cover the lips with his mouth and pull on them with his own teeth. 

‘It doesn’t make it any less true, though.’ His eyes returned to Aaron’s, to the way they were shining in the barely-there daylight. 

‘What are you trying to achieve?’ 

‘I want to show you what you mean to me. That you’re the only person that I want to be with. That I’m not giving up on us, no matter what.’

Aaron’s eyes continued glistening and Robert could see one tear wanting to escape and fall down his face. ‘You already did give up, though. And now you think one poxy kiss is going to change that.’

Robert’s stomach faltered and pretended that Aaron’s derisive comment hadn’t been a fresh kick in the chest. ‘You don’t mean that, surely?’

‘Yeah, it was nothing flash.’ Aaron avoided Robert’s eye contact again. 

‘I know what you’re trying to do. But it’s not going to work.’ He waited for Aaron’s eyes to lock onto his own. 

‘What?’ A crinkle appeared between his eyebrows and his jaw muscles clenched before loosening. 

‘You forget that I know you inside out. You’re pushing me away because you feel that you have to.’

‘You don’t know me anymore.’ Aaron’s shoulders raised before falling again. 

‘Perhaps I don’t. But I know you liked the kiss. If you didn’t, you’d be able to tell me that it was meaningless whilst looking me in the eyes. You forget, Aaron, that you can’t lie to me.’

Aaron didn’t respond to the comment; however, he let the statement hang in the air knowing that he couldn’t refute it. When a few seconds had passed, he said, ‘How long are you planning on staying out here today?’

‘As long as I need to. I want you to know I’m serious about us.’ He would ride out any bad weather, if the result was nestling his head into Aaron’s neck, drinking in the beauty of Aaron’s naked body and knowing that it wasn’t a one-night stand but something he could rely on as much as relying on the sun shining every day and the moon replacing it every night. 

‘I will be going to work soon.’ It was a declaration from Aaron, but he seemed to be searching Robert’s face for something and not really finding it. He bit his bottom lip. 

‘That’s fine. I can walk to the scrapyard with you.’

Aaron drew in a deep breath before transferring his teeth to biting his top lip. ‘You’re not going to be waiting outside.’

‘Well, that’s the point of carrying the placard. It’s there so everyone can see.’

‘So everyone can see what a fool you are making. I thought you’d be wanting to go to work or make some money, you know since money is your first love.’ Aaron’s eyes looked at the corner of Robert’s ear before moving back up to his ex’s eyes. 

An icy chill swept up his spine. ‘You don’t think that.’

‘I don’t know what to think anymore.’ The tear that was threatening to escape Aaron’s left eye stubbornly stayed put, but Robert could now see it was joined by another one in Aaron’s right eye. 

‘You are the only thing that matters to me. Aaron, look at me.’ He transferred the placard entirely to his left hand, so he could close the gap between himself and Aaron. He then placed his free right hand on Aaron’s chin, rubbing over the harsh stubble, gently tilting Aaron’s head upwards so that their eyes locked. Why was it so difficult to prove to Aaron that he loved him completely? How much did he have to beg to get Aaron to reconsider? ‘You light up my life, Aaron. You always have. I just can’t stand by and do nothing. I have to fight for us. Because what we had was special and I was the biggest, dumbest idiot to walk away from you.’ He let out a sigh: one of frustration and desperation. 

Aaron’s back straightened and his head moved backwards slightly in Robert’s hand. ‘You still did though.’

‘Everyday I wish I could go back in time and stay. But I felt like I was losing you, and you weren’t talking to me.’

‘You can’t pin the blame on me.’ Aaron’s mouth pursed upwards. 

‘Our relationship was floundering, and it was both of us that weren’t communicating.’

‘I’d just found out that Rebecca was pregnant with your child, so forgive me if I didn’t feel like talking to you about it.’ The two tears found their way down Aaron’s face. 

Robert stroked the tears away with his gloved thumb. He felt the salty liquid seep into his glove, but didn’t remove his hand away. 

‘But he wasn’t my child. We could have got through this, through the aftermath of finding out he was Ross’s, if you talked to me.’ The sentences were whispered because Robert knew that every time he considered this, his voice broke and he lost the willpower to keep his own tears locked up. Everything would have been better had they talked. Talking would have saved them tonnes of heartache and might have even stopped Robert from cheating in the first place. 

Aaron stepped back, knocking away Robert’s hand with his hands before walking away. 

‘What can I say to prove to you that I’m serious about us?’ He turned after Aaron, gulping away the hardness in his throat.

‘I’ll be out soon to go to work.’ Aaron headed off towards the house, not looking once behind him as he walked away, passing Liv on her way towards Robert. 

She was carrying a mug, steam forming clouds above it. When she finally approached Robert, she handed him the mug. ‘Careful, it is hot.’

‘The hotter, the better. I’m freezing out here.’

‘Well, it is meant to be the coldest day of the year so far. Snow is forecast.’

He blew at the mug, leaning in to allow the warmth emanating from it to heat up his frozen features. He then jerked his head up. ‘It isn’t laced with arsenic, is it?’

‘No. Not today.’

‘Surprised there. I thought you hated my guts. Aaron does.’

She shook her head. ‘No he doesn’t. He loves you, that’s obvious. It always has been.’

‘Well, he loves me so much that he wants me to leave the village for good and never to return. I can’t give up on us. I just don’t have it in me anymore. Living without him was my greatest nightmare, my own doing, and I can’t do it again. I won’t.’

‘You didn’t see how he was when you left. He was a mess.’ She nodded towards the Mill. ‘Why don’t you come in and wait for Aaron inside out of the cold?’

‘Aaron wouldn’t like that.’

‘It’s my house too.’

They walked towards the door, Liv taking Robert’s placard off him and once inside the flat she continued speaking, sitting on the settee and curling her legs underneath the rest of her body. ‘He started jogging and cutting himself when you left. As soon as I noticed, I told Chas straight away.’

‘I bet he didn’t like that.’ Robert continued standing, hands on his hips, not wanting to sit because this wasn’t his house any more and he knew that the moment he sat down, Aaron would appear walking down the stairs. 

‘Nobody did. But it was for his own good. He said he needed to do it to clear his head, but he was a mess when you left. He doesn’t talk about it much, but I know that he misses you every day. There’s always a sad faraway look in his eyes.’

‘So why are you telling me this now, when I was enemy number one yesterday?’ The sudden thawing of Liv’s attitude towards him was welcome, but it didn’t stop him from worrying. Something must have happened with Aaron yesterday after their Sunday lunch. He could start imagining the best scenario; however, Aaron hadn’t thawed one inch since the previous day. 

‘Watching the two of you yesterday… well, it was upsetting. And Aaron was crying last night. I could hear him. Sometimes he tries to deny that he’s doing it, but it’s obvious. When I woke up this morning, he was asleep on the settee. He hasn’t done that since the week you left.’

‘How’s this going to help me, if he still wants me to leave the village?’ He started pacing in the space between the coffee table and the settee, arms still akimbo with his hands on his waist. 

‘You need to remind him of how great you were together.’

‘I can’t do that when he’s telling me the kiss we shared two days ago was poxy.’ The way the word ‘poxy’ reverberated in his brain made him want to lash out at something, to focus all of his energy on pounding his fists into the nearest wall and howling out in pain. 

‘That’s just hurt pride speaking. You know Aaron. He’s full of bravado.’

‘I don’t know, you know.’ He did wonder himself, but he couldn’t bear getting his hopes up, of thinking that there was a chance for him and Aaron, for it to all come crashing down around him. 

‘As much as these declarations are romantic,’ Liv gestured to the placard that was resting against the settee, ‘I don’t think they are hitting the mark.’

‘So, what do you suggest?’

‘I can’t tell you what to do. I haven’t had a relationship like that with Aaron. It’s got to come from you.’

Whatever it was, he would have to come up with something soon because every second without Aaron was creating a bigger gap between the two of them that Robert worried he would never be able to repair.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is disappointed when Robert is not waiting in the Mill for him...

Disappointment suffocated Aaron, threatening to close his airways and making the simple act of breathing very difficult to do. He cleared his throat, hoping to get rid of the lump that had appeared. 

Hearing Robert’s unmistakable voice talking to Liv downstairs had made him spring out of the shower in enthusiasm and eagerness. The idea that Robert was in the house should have made him angry at Liv for letting Robert in; however, hearing Robert’s voice downstairs, his timbre as refreshing as a cool beer on a boiling hot day, reverberating against all of the walls, lit a passionate fire in Aaron’s icy body. For the first time in five years, Aaron knew Robert was meant to be in the flat. And it was only when Robert was there, that it felt like a home again instead of an empty abode that Aaron was dossing in.

Well, what a waste of spritzing the cologne - the one that Robert loved to smell on him - all over his body! He’d chosen a grey jumper that he knew would leave Robert biting his hand off in sexual frustration. Aaron had even left his hair gel-free and fluffy, which again he knew Robert adored and wouldn’t be able to resist ruffling up. He was tempted to stomp back upstairs to change his top, but resisted the urge to make it all about Robert. Even when he knew that it would always be about Robert. 

It was only then, whilst Aaron was staring at Liv perched on the settee, that he wondered why he had ever thought doing those things for Robert was a good idea. What was he getting himself into by making all that effort?

It would never be a good idea. It was the worst idea he had ever considered. 

‘If you’re wondering where Robert has gone to, he had to go to work.’

‘What do I care?’ he asked. By the look on Liv’s face, he knew she wasn’t buying the bullshit he was pedalling as fact.

Liv’s eyes squinted at him. ‘Drop the act, Aaron. You don’t need to pretend with me.’ She rose from her comfortable position on the settee, dusting off her jeans as she did so, and walked towards him. 

‘I’m not pretending. I don’t care.’

She jostled her head. ‘Why is it so hard to tell the truth?’

‘I am telling the truth. I don’t care what he does, or where he is, or how much he misses me, or how much he wants us to get back together, or that he’s trying to be romantic with these ridiculous placards or…’ He had to stop because tears were stinging at his eyes and the icicles that had been eating away at his heart were now gnawing away at his limbs. 

‘You love him. You want him. But you’re scared.’ She paused before adding, ‘Just admit it to yourself because unless you do, you are never going to be happy.’

‘I’m off to work,’ he declared before grabbing his black Barbour coat and leaving the flat. 

He stifled a yawn as he walked down the drive that was laden with an inch of snow and stretched his head to either side, hoping to release some of the knots in his neck. 

The settee was as uncomfortable as it had been five years ago, but it was preferable sleeping on that than having to look at the empty space in his massive bed. It was way too big for just Aaron on his own. The only thing that could reduce its size was Robert’s body next to him, arms wrapped around him and heart beating next to his own. 

It didn’t help that every time he closed his eyes, all he could see were flashbacks of Robert: their first kiss; their first time; that first hotel stop-over, when Aaron knew he was falling for Robert; the moment he first heard Robert telling Aaron he loved him; Robert declaring by the lake that he would wait for Aaron until Aaron was ready; Robert being supportive during Gordon’s trial; Robert stating that he was trying to change for the better, for Aaron; Robert moving into the Woolpack. Robert trying, unwilling to give up, to save Aaron’s life; Robert proposing; their beautiful, heart-felt wedding. 

Every corner of his mind was filled with Robert, and there was a dire need for him to abandon their bed. After letting out breathless sobs - not even bothering to cover up the pain he was feeling - he’d slept on the settee. He’d spent years keeping his emotions about Robert locked up, and it hadn’t helped. What was the point in doing it again then? 

He’d half-expected Robert to be waiting outside the portacabin at the scrapyard, but the disappointed feeling swelled in his stomach until it flooded throughout the whole of his body. He’d told Robert to do one, but he never expected that Robert would ever listen to him. 

‘Yes, lad. You’re here now,’ Adam greeted him with a fresh grin and a twinkle in his eye when Aaron had stepped into the portacabin. Adam looked behind him. ‘I see you’ve shaken your stalker off. God, he really does need to realise the boundaries of being an ex-husband. Like you’d ever give him a second chance.’ Adam looked at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.

‘Shut up, Adam.’ 

He grabbed the keys to the lorry that was parked outside the portacabin and drove off. There was no scrap pick-up that day, but he didn’t care. He needed to escape the village and everyone’s comments about Robert. Since when had he taken orders from anyone else? Since when did Adam think he could speak like that about Robert? When Adam’s relationship with Vic had ended, Aaron never once bad-mouthed Victoria even when the decision to end it had been hers. What gave Adam the right to call Robert a stalker and how would Adam know whether he would ever give Robert another chance? As much as it had pained him to admit it, Liv had been right that morning. He needed to stop lying to himself. He needed to be truthful to what he wanted. 

He parked up at the nearest lay-by, only realising after it was too late that it was his and Robert’s lay-by. How did that hungry moment on a December afternoon eight years ago, where he’d felt Robert’s yearning for him, become this? Their love had been enduring and timeless and -

And now it was over in a millisecond. That one moment where Robert decided to puncture Aaron’s heart by walking away from their relationship. How could Aaron be so sure that Robert wouldn’t do that again? 

He couldn’t. 

Nobody could. 

He’d have to trust Robert. Trusting Robert was always the problem, though.

His phone vibrated in his pocket. Retrieving it, he noticed that it was a message from Liv: 

_Can you pop by the garage at about two? That car I was talking about will be in and I want you to have a look at it. See if it is appropriate for my first car?_

He responded quite quickly with: 

_Cain won’t like you using his garage for your own needs._

She was quick to type back as well: 

_He’s away. I won’t tell him unless you will. ;-)_

He sent a final text saying he would see her at two that afternoon. He put his phone back in his pocket, let out a sigh and drove back to the scrapyard. 

Adam and Jimmy were annoying him all morning: the former kept making little digs at Robert while the latter kept belching and farting at any given moment. 

‘Will you two just stop it?’ he said after he had put up with it for a few hours too many. 

Adam and Jimmy’s eyes were wide and shocked as they both said, ‘What?’

Aaron pointed at Adam first, as each acid-laced comment was angering him. ‘You need to stop going on about Robert and let me figure stuff out. I can’t have you telling me he is a worthless shit when he’s not.’ He then turned to Jimmy, ‘And you. You need to stay away from certain foods if they are going to leave your bowels like that.’

‘But Aaron, he is -’

He cut Adam off. ‘No, he’s not. He made one mistake. You’ve done it yourself with Vic - in fact you did it twice.’ He paused, regaining his composure. ‘I’m going outside to work on the car. Don’t follow me.’

He spent the next few hours dismantling the car, wafts of snowflakes falling around him, hoping that destroying it and taking out his anger and confusion would help him get to the bottom of how he was really feeling. However, by the time it got to half one, Aaron felt more confused than ever. He knew he wanted Robert. He knew he needed Robert in his life. He knew he would never stop loving Robert, but the fear of them being together only for Robert to walk away was too strong. And as he walked back into the village, ready to meet Liv, he knew his heart would never ever leave Robert. Why deny it? Why force it? 

As he neared the garage, he took out his phone and checked the time. It was 13:50. He went to the front passenger side wheel of the low-loader, which was parked outside the garage doors, to retrieve the garage keys and realised the key wasn’t there. He glanced at the garage door and noticed that light was seeping out from under the closed door. 

Perhaps Liv was inside already? 

He pushed open the door and…

His mouth was agape, but he didn’t know how to close it. He drank in the surroundings of the garage, sure that it he was dreaming. Fairy lights were draped around any available surface and red heart-shaped balloons were dotted around all over the room. In the centre was a circular table, with Robert lighting two candles that were placed in makeshift candle-holders (or empty beer bottles). 

Robert was wearing his blue three-piece suit that he had worn on their wedding day. The suit that fitted snugly around Robert’s arse. The suit that Robert knew made Aaron hot and bothered whenever he wore it. The bastard had worn it on purpose, just like the whole set-up with Liv purporting to meet up with him had been done on purpose. It was just an excuse to get him there. 

Aaron cleared his throat and finally found his voice. ‘What are you doing?’

Robert turned around, looking as delicious as ever. Smiling, his whole face lit up. ‘You’re early. I wasn’t expecting you for another ten minutes.’

‘Shall I go out, circle the village a good ten times, before coming back in again?’ It was only when the question was in the ether, that Aaron realised how relaxed and flirty that had sounded and part of him wanted to take it back. 

‘Well, only if you want to waste a lot of energy and time out in the cold when you could be in here getting fed and watered.’ Robert’s facial expressions were relaxed and his eyes were dancing for the first time in a long while. 

But then Robert straightened his back. 

The posture made Aaron wonder whether he had said the wrong thing. Had he been too flirty and too jokey? 

‘Unless you have somewhere else you need to be.’ After the words left Robert’s mouth, he searched Aaron’s face and eyes. 

Aaron knew he should walk away right there and then but even as Robert was giving him an out, the pull towards Robert was more intoxicating and intense than ever. It could have been the way Robert always looked decidedly sexy and alluring in any of the dress shirts he wore; it could have been the fact that Robert had organised another grand display of affection and romance that, despite not wanting to admit to it, gave Aaron a warm glow and a tingle buzzing through his spine; it could have been that during the last few days Aaron had been fighting with himself to ignore the pull. He wasn’t strong enough anymore to ignore the inherent need and want for Robert, so he walked over to the table and sat down on one of the stools.

Robert’s worry dissipated to a relaxed, jovial smile, and he joined Aaron at the table, placing two bottles of beer on the table, knocking Aaron’s knees as he sat on the stool opposite. The accidental knock left Aaron’s knees throbbing with passion. 

‘I have to be honest, I didn’t think you’d stay. I thought I’d get your signature “Do one” and that would be it.’ Robert’s eyes were imploring into his own. 

‘Maybe I was intrigued about what you might do next. It’s not every day somebody stands outside your house with a placard.’

‘But I don’t want to go back to being somebody, Aaron. I want to be the one.’

‘You already are.’ The words were whispered and low because he didn’t know how to accept the obvious, the one thing that made sense. 

Robert’s eyes radiated so much love towards Aaron, shining and glaring, that had it been anyone else they might have needed sunglasses to block out the intensity; however, Aaron basked in the glow. After all, Robert’s love was all Aaron had ever wanted or needed. He wanted to echo the love back, felt he had the capability and capacity to do so, but also wanted to turn away - run so very far away from it all. He knew he should get up and leave. If Robert wasn’t going to leave Emmerdale, perhaps he should leave himself?

But no limbs leapt up to help him. They seemed to be on Robert’s side, championing him and their relationship. And instead of Aaron’s face turning away from Robert, he drank in Robert’s kissable, delicious lips and those refreshing blue-green pools. 

‘So, what’s on the menu today then?’ he asked because while he could stare at Robert for hours on end and never get tired of his handsomeness, Aaron’s stomach growled. It was as equally hungry as the want for Robert that was pulsating throughout his body. 

It was going to happen that day. He could feel the electricity and chemistry in the air between them simmering away. Bubbling to the surface - not that it had ever been below the surface. Wanting Robert was as basic as his need for food, drink, oxygen and light. 

‘It’s a surprise.’

‘Like all this.’ Aaron took in the sight of the decorated garage, a balloon that was stuck to the ceiling and the way some of the fairy lights shimmered while others twinkled. It didn’t matter what they did: they lit up the room just like Robert would always light up his life. ‘You really are a soppy git.’ He turned back to Robert, clenching his lips together, trying to stop his eyes from leaking. 

‘I’m not like this normally. It’s always just been with you.’

Despite Aaron’s better judgement, he smiled: a big, toothy grin that finally found its way to his eyes.

‘You’ll give me a big head you know.’ He knew he was sparkling in front of Robert. With Robert. He had those zingles that Marlon had been discussing: the tingles with the zing. 

‘Not a chance. I’m more likely to need the door widening to fit my head out than you.’

‘I can’t argue with you there. We’d have to widen the whole of the world to fit your head through it all.’

There was a tap on the door before Liv came in with two plates wrapped in tinfoil. 

She glanced at them, smiling, before she placed both plates on the table in front of them. ‘Marlon says they are hot. But delicious.’ She removed the tin foil from both plates to display two pie and chips specials. 

Robert and Aaron both said their thanks, but instead of taking that as a cue, Liv stared at them, big grin planted on her face.

‘What?’ Aaron asked as he was about to tuck into his meal but felt her staring was off-putting. 

‘It’s nice seeing you two together again. It’s where you should have always been.’

‘Me and you are going to have words later,’ he said directing it to Liv.

She avoided his gaze. ‘Have a nice meal.’ And with that, Liv went out of the entrance she came through. 

They ate together, whilst their push and pull banter was passed back and forth. The gentle snowfall became heavy rain, as it lashed down outside, hitting the front of the garage. Insults and put-downs that were laced with love seemed to ease the rain’s harsh pitter-pattering. Aaron knew the room was bursting with love: could see it and feel it. He revelled in the feel of it because it was home. 

Being with Robert was like coming home. 

It was when he was finishing up his pie that he felt the first icy, wet splodge hit his head. He wiped it off thinking it was his imagination, but also he didn’t want to spoil the time he was spending with Robert. But then another formed, and another, and another, until he was looking up at the big wet patch in the garage roof.

‘We need a bucket,’ Aaron said. 

Robert leaned over, looked deep into his eyes, which made Aaron shiver in anticipation, before rubbing his thumb over the icy raindrop that had rested on Aaron’s top lip. 

Aaron’s heartbeat quickened and he had to mentally tell his lungs to draw in another intake of breath. Robert’s thumb remained on Aaron’s lip, grazing over it and parting it away from the bottom lip. 

He wanted to take Robert’s thumb between his teeth and suck on it before feeling the delicious touch of Robert’s yummy lips on his. He wanted it, wanted everything that could happen after it. 

‘Let’s get a bucket,’ Robert said, smiling before pulling away, thumb moving off Aaron’s lips, as he went off in search of a bucket. The disappointment he had felt that morning was only magnified a thousand-fold by Robert pulling away from their near-kiss. 

They scoured around for buckets, searching for anything they could find to stop the water from coming in. Every step Robert took away from Aaron meant that Aaron hoped those steps would be backtracked. He knew he should be searching for a bucket too; however, all he could do was watch Robert filling out the backside of those trousers and hoping that at some point that day he could caress Robert’s arse again along with the rest of Robert’s body. He kept glancing at Robert, as Aaron made himself search for a bucket, and continued feeling the zingles any time Robert glanced his way. 

When they put the bucket under the leak, moving their table and the remainder of their food, they uncovered another one close by and another one. These were bigger and resulted in both of them getting wet. The rain was still icy and bitter, leaving the two of them shivering even though the heaters and radiators were on. 

They rushed around again to find another bucket, Aaron still pretending to look for a bucket while he appreciated every curve and line of Robert’s body in the suit (sans jacket), nearly knocking into each other to put it below the second leak. Aaron’s forehead was inches from Robert’s, as they placed their respective buckets next to each other. Robert’s scrumptious lips, which had a rain droplet on them, were Aaron’s for the taking. He knew he was moving in, was enticed by Robert’s scented pulse points. He was inches from Robert’s mouth, so close that he could almost taste Robert’s spicy aftershave. 

The hole in the roof must have been bigger in that part of the garage because water was dripping down onto their heads and soaking their necks and clothes. Since Robert’s suit jacket was lying on the back of his chair, droplets of water were saturating his shirt. 

Robert pulled away to look down at the white shirt that was creating splodges around his chest and nipples. 

The simple act of Robert pulling away made Aaron feel bereft. He needed and wanted to feel Robert’s skin up against his, their lips crashing together, their hearts racing together. 

‘Do you want to come to mine to dry off? I have beer too.’ He offered as he transferred his gaze from Robert’s lips to the wet patch of shirt around Robert’s right nipple. He remembered the feel of that nipple against his mouth, the way he used to suck on it and - 

‘Yeah. Let’s go.’ Robert smiled, giving Aaron a warm, beautiful smile full of love. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at the Mill...

Robert couldn’t believe Aaron had suggested they come back to the Mill of all places. And as Aaron was getting him a dry top to change into, he knew what they had gone back for. He could see it in Aaron’s eyes when he’d suggested they come back there: passion and want ignited that had been sparking up during their meal. The passion started to smolder, fanning the flames of their love into the big conflagration that he knew would be taking over soon, when he noticed Aaron’s eyes resting on his wet shirt where the water was surrounding his nipple. 

‘I found this top for you to put on,’ Aaron said, coming down the stairs and opening the shirt up to reveal it was one of Robert’s blue ones with the elbow patches on. 

‘That’s mine.’

Aaron smiled, nodding and offered it to him. Robert placed it on the settee, taking off his wet shirt first. 

Hot wet lips sucked on his right nipple. The sensation was a surprise as he felt Aaron’s head rest in his chest, the fluffy brown hair tickling him. Aaron worked at the nipple, tongue fondling it and rolling it round before placing his teeth on either side of it and pulling gently. 

Perhaps he was imagining things? Yes, he must be because he never once thought that Aaron would be sucking on his nipple while hands brushed up and down his body, circling the curve of his back. God, he missed this, missed everything about the feel of Aaron’s hands on his skin: the way his heart wasn’t really bouncing but rattling in his chest; the way his skin tingled and prickled at the expectation that lips would touch, or that Aaron’s lips would find their way around Robert’s increasing stiffness and suck him off; and the way he knew their bodies would be rocking in time with each other, building up rhythm before he would explode inside Aaron. 

Kisses trailed from one side of Robert’s body to the other where Aaron’s mouth became reaquainted with Robert’s left nipple. The ecstasy and intense heat that Aaron’s hot mouth was creating was having the ability to leave his penis swollen and aching to be set free. He was hoping that Aaron’s attentions would find their way to his trousers and unfasten them. Aaron was an expert at sucking him off, was able to to take him right to the edge, tingling and desperate to slide over, to let that elysium take over his whole body with every wondrous voltage trembling throughout it. 

He was desperate for Aaron, so desperate that he wondered whether he would last long during sex. 

Aaron’s hands lowered around the curve of Robert’s arse and into his boxer shorts. He pushed himself up against Robert’s groin, rubbing his hard and desperate penis against Robert’s. Aaron’s lips moved up from Robert’s erect nipple to the base of Robert’s neck, moving their way way over his Adam’s apple and peppering kisses up towards his mouth. 

Holding his breath, Robert awaited the prospect of Aaron kissing him on the lips: full and soft, deep and long. It didn’t take very long for Aaron’s plump mouth to find its way to his. 

And then they were kissing. Not tentatively like last time, but deep with tongues fondling and breathless moans. Robert thought he was going to explode with so much passion and love for Aaron. 

His hands slipped under Aaron’s grey top, rubbing his thumb over Aaron’s nipples, caressing the scars and missing the feel of Aaron’s skin against his own. Robert tugged on Aaron’s top, lifting it over his dark hair, pulling it off Aaron’s arms before throwing it away. It could have been thrown anywhere for all Robert cared - on the settee or on the floor - because all he was really interested in was the way Aaron’s lips connected with his own. 

And as the rest of their clothes were torn off, each piece of bare skin that was exposed was cherished and adulated with gentle strokes before the same area was kissed with reverence and awe. Each pleasurable moan that escaped from Aaron’s mouth exacerbated the throbbing and swelling that Robert’s stiffness was doing. He knew he was leaking precum. He wanted to take it further, and knew that they would probably make love on the couch if the mood took them there; however, he was hoping for a comfortable bed and no chance of Liv walking in on them mid in flagrante delicto. 

Moving his hands from Aaron’s head, Robert stroked the side of Aaron’s body feeling sparks at the end of each finger tip as they whispered over Aaron’s skin. His hands trailed down Aaron’s body and moved to Aaron’s arse, cupping every delicious curve and inch of it. 

That’s when it happened. Aaron’s hands caught Robert’s as they were rolling down his body and he whispered into Robert’s open mouth, ‘Let’s take this upstairs. We won’t be disturbed then.’ 

Robert didn’t need to be told twice and followed Aaron upstairs, hands still clasped together, and as they entered the bedroom - their bedroom that hadn’t changed at all since the day he left - Aaron opened his bedside drawer and retrieved a tube, passing it to Robert. 

Hands plied with lube, they reached for places that they had ingrained in their brains while lips were sucking and caressing nearby areas. Robert’s eyes constantly questioned Aaron, making sure that Aaron wanted all of this and wouldn’t regret it in the morning. Aaron turned himself around on their bed, a smile beaming on his face, nodding and grasping for Robert’s throbbing penis, and Robert squeezed himself into Aaron’s tight hole. 

As his body became delirious at the prospect of gently moving in and out of Aaron, every gratifiying moan that escaped from Aaron’s mouth rippled through his body and magnified his own pleasure. This wasn’t an empty shag. Every action, every nuance, was filled with all the longing and pining of the last five years, and what perfect way could they express themselves than what they had always excelled at. 

This was where he was meant to be. Where he always should have been: holding Aaron, making love to him (yeah, he sounded like a romantic sap, but the way that their bodies fitted together, like some grand design made by God - and even he wasn’t a religious man - was full of love). 

He had to express that love verbally, and in between thrusts the words escaped his mouth. He wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed of the declaration: he should have been telling Aaron he loved him every single day for the last five years. But this was an extension of that love, and nothing could make Robert feel any more elated in that moment than making love to Aaron. 

‘I love you, Robert.’

Well, perhaps those words from Aaron. Because they were the only words that Robert had longed for, had laid awake every night since his return to Emmerdale hoping that he would hear again. 

Their mutual declaration of love had an effect on their speed and rhythm, as their movements were filled with urgency and a renewed sense of passion and fire. And as each pleasurable thrust turned into another one, Robert knew he couldn’t hold out much longer. Tingles were nearly consuming his whole body. As he was about to come, he moved his head forward, wanting to be sure that Aaron was as enraptured by the moment as he was. 

The look on Aaron’s face said it all: head thrown back, eyes closed and wanton abandonment in every line of his face. 

With the look on Aaron’s face ingrained in his brain, he gave in to his orgasm, letting it wash over him from his toes to his finger tips.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A loved-up Aaron and Robert have to finally part as Aaron goes off to work at the scrap yard.

Aaron’s jaw ached - possibly through all the kissing he had done the last few days, maybe even through all the sucking and licking of Robert’s body - but he knew that it was down to him being happy. Yeah, it may have seemed like a foreign concept; however, when it came to Robert and the way they had become reacquainted with each other’s bodies over the last few days, there was only one thing that could make him happy. 

Robert. Robert Sugden. His boyfriend. His man. The one that had got away but he’d managed to get back. The one that was now pressing him against the door of the portacabin, breathing deeply into his neck and whispering what he wanted to do to Aaron when they got home. They’d decided within minutes of getting into their post-coital spoon that Robert was moving back in. After five years apart, they didn’t want to waste any more time. 

‘It’s such a shame you had to go to work today,’ he whispered into Aaron’s mouth. ‘We could have spent the morning in bed.’

Aaron rested his head against Robert’s forehead. ‘Don’t tempt me.’ His knuckles brushed the side of Robert’s cheek. ‘I could spend another two days in bed with you, but I’m sure Adam would complain about me not turning up for work. And that’s before Liv or my mum even start pecking my head in about where I have been the last few days.’

‘Shall we meet up for lunch?’ Robert asked before plopping a kiss on top of Aaron’s nose. 

Aaron’s mouth eased into a smile and the touch of Robert’s delicious lips on his skin made every nerve ending in his body tingle. 

‘Definitely. The Woolpack at one?’

Robert nodded and went in for one final kiss, arms wrapping round Aaron’s waist while Aaron’s hands grabbed at tufts of Robert’s hair. 

The fact that it was one final kiss for a few hours meant that Aaron felt unable to really let go of Robert. He deepened the kiss, sinking his body further into Robert’s, casting the feel of Robert’s body resting against his to memory so that he could recall it later when Robert had left him at the scrapyard. He grabbed onto his boyfriend’s neck, steadying himself, wanting to let every one of his senses feel the powerful rush of endorphins. 

Neither pulled away after their rather moreish kiss came to an end, but instead remained close to each other, breaths heaving and foreheads touching. 

‘You do realise that we are going to have to say goodbye, if you want to do some work,’ Robert said before raising an eyebrow and smirking. 

‘I don’t want you to go. The last two days might end up being a figment of my imagination, if you go now.’ He couldn’t handle having no Robert in his life anymore, couldn’t handle the notion that they would go back to strangers, ex-husbands once again. He could feel the tears forming behind his eyes and tried to blink them back; however, one trickled down his face escaping and brazenly falling in front of Robert. 

The side of Robert’s index finger wiped the tear away. ‘I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be at the pub at one.’ Robert brushed his lips against Aaron’s lips, parting them gently so that his tongue could slip through the gap and fondle with Aaron’s. 

The hard door behind Aaron was moved away and his balance was thrown around, making him jerk backwards. Robert’s arms steadied him, until Adam barged past the two of them. 

‘So you’re back with him then, are you? Is that where you’ve been for the last two days?’ Adam asked as he stepped from the step onto the gravel. ‘You’ve completely forgot how devastated you were the last time he left you. Liv and I knew you’d be sleeping with him again before long.’

‘I am, but it’s my business and my business only, if I’m back with Robert,’ Aaron said, gaze following Adam. 

‘I’ll see you later,’ Robert whispered before giving Aaron one final peck on the cheek. Aaron felt the tug on his heart strings as Robert’s pert arse disappeared down the gravel and away from him. 

When Robert was completely out of sight, Aaron ventured over to Adam who was dismantling a car. ‘Being with Robert is the only time I’ve ever been truly happy.’

Adam turned to him, concern prominent in the features on his face. ‘What if he hurts you again? You started self-harming when he left last time.’

‘Me and Robert. There’s no way to describe what we have. I know I can’t not be with him. In fact, denying how I felt was making me really unhappy. But since we got back together, things have changed. I think this is it for us.’ His jaw ached as he realised it had formed into one of those smiles that hadn’t really left since he and Robert had decided to try at their relationship again. 

Adam squinted his eyes. ‘Where’s the Aaron I know and love? Where’s his sour face and surly manner?’

‘Cheeky sod,’ Aaron said as he tapped Adam on the arm with the back of his hand. 

‘If he makes you happy, then that’s all that matters. But tell him I’m watching him for any slip up he has.’

Aaron nodded not surprised in the slightest that Adam had uttered those words. He knew he would be hearing them in different timbres and cadences over the next few days from the likes of his mum and Paddy. Robert knew he’d be hearing them too, but they’d decided that whatever life threw at them next, they would deal with it together. That had been another thing they had decided, as Robert had held him after their first time in their bed. 

The grin was appearing again in the corners of his mouth, and Aaron knew it would never go away, not when everything made perfect sense to him again. Robert was his, the way it should have always been. 

As he was trying to dismantle the car along with Adam, his phone vibrated in his pocket. Taking off his gloves, he retrieved it. An electric bolt coursed through his whole body when he noticed that he had received a text from Robert. 

_I love you. X_

He looked around, trying to see whether Adam had clocked him shirking from the job. With one look at Adam, whose eyes rolled at seeing him with his phone out, Aaron laughed but hurried a reply. 

_You soppy git. I love you. X_

He just hoped the next few hours would hurry away, so that he could see Robert again soon. 

 

***

If he had said he hadn’t been thinking about Robert at all in the four hours he was waiting to meet back up with his boyfriend, Aaron would have been lying. He re-lived every kiss, touch and every trembling moment of their renewed sex life over and over again. Falling over into that precipice of loving Robert had never felt or tasted so moreish and sweet and delicious. 

When it came to 12:45, he started packing away grabbing his coat and scarf from the hook on the back of the portacabin door, ignoring Adam’s snide remarks. 

‘What can I get you, love?’ his mum asked him when he finally reached The Woolpack. 

‘Two pints,’ he said bracing himself for her next question and wondering whether this was going to go the easier way of the different reactions she could give. 

‘Two? You having dinner with Adam?’

‘I’m meeting Robert.’

‘You’re back with him, aren’t ya?’ She didn’t even try to disguise the disgust in her voice and the annoyance as she squinted her eyes and pursed her lips. 

Aaron chewed the right hand side of his mouth. 

‘That’s where you’ve been the last few days when I hadn’t seen sight or sound of you. He’ll only hurt you again. You know that don’t you?’

‘Mum, leave it. Alright?’ 

‘No. Not after last time. I can’t worry about nearly losing you again. Last time he left you pushed yourself to the brink, ran yourself raggered and we were lucky to realise it just in time.’

He could see the tears glistening in her eyes. Why couldn’t she see how much happier he was since Robert and he had reunited? 

‘I know you need to steer clear of him. But by that look in your eyes, I know you won’t. You’re stubborn when it comes to him.’ She pointed in his direction, wagging her finger and telling him off. 

‘Please just trust me. Trust Robert.’

‘I trust you. But I’ll never trust him.’

‘Please be nice when he comes in. I’m meeting him for dinner later in about,’ he got his phone out of his pocket and checked the time on it, ‘five minutes.’ Five minutes to see Robert’s gorgeous blue-green eyes and blond hair. Five minutes to feel the delightful touch of Robert’s skin against his in the form of a kiss or brush of a skin or a squeeze of the leg. 

‘I’ll grin and bear it for you. But if he so much as hurts you again, he will be a dead man. And you can tell him that from me.’ She turned on her heel, picking two pint glasses up and started to pour the pints from the barrel. 

‘Thank you.’ Two told and another two awaiting a reaction. 

 

***

Aaron looked at his watch for the tenth time in as many minutes. Where was Robert? He was already an hour later. 

His mum came over, mouth open and about to say something, but he didn’t want to hear it. 

‘Whatever it is you’re thinking, you’re wrong. Right?’

‘So you’re not wondering where Robert is as well?’

‘He’s probably got held up in traffic. Either that or there’s been an accident.’ There was an inflection at the end of the sentence that meant Aaron’s surmising seemed to phrased as a question. He didn’t want to contemplate the accident part, but why else would Robert not turn up? 

‘Or there couldn’t be a third option.’ She walked slowly towards the bar where Aaron had been sat waiting for Robert. 

‘Mum, leave it alright.’ He knew what she was going to say, and he knew with the whole of his DNA make-up that the last few days had been real, had been the start of their life together again. Robert loved him: he only had to rewind to the text earlier that day to have evidence of it. And that was even before he thought back to every interaction they had in the last week since Robert’s return to Emmerdale. 

‘Oh, come on. You’re not telling me that you haven’t thought he stood you up on purpose. You know, he’s an hour late.’

‘Really? I’m glad you’ve read the time for me. I’m not four.’

‘Aaron don’t be like that. I just think you’ve got to face facts that he’s got what he wanted and now he’s abandoning you again.’

‘That’s not what it is. Robert loves me.’

And as he said the last sentence, he keyed in Robert’s number again hoping that eventually Robert would answer. He’d already left him two voice messages. 

***

The blue light of the mobile illuminated the darkened room before stubby fingers with nails bitten down to the quick, bloodied and bruised, launched the phone through the air so that it lay broken on the hard, cold floor. 

‘Whoops. It looks like loverboy can’t save your life now.’


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert wakes up...

Eyes bulbous and heavy, Robert strained to open them as the agony was excruciating. It matched the agony that was travelling up and down his stomach to his rib cage, as though someone had lacerated it with a machete. He tried to pull his right hand towards the pain, to check that it was okay and he wasn’t losing blood; however, he couldn’t. A rope was digging into the skin on his wrist tying it together with his left hand and they were both stuck behind his back. He groped around for something, anything that he could find to put in his hands, to cut the rope, but there was nothing around apart from the cold plastic chair he was sat on, reminiscent of one in primary school that you could never get comfortable in.

He forced both eyes open, biting back the pain, and was able to open them a meagre to see that he was in a darkened room, an abandoned hanger perhaps, with a slither of light fighting to escape through the massive doors. 

He tried to remember how he ended up there, but the events prior to waking up in the hanger were a bit hazy. The last thing he remembered was saying bye to Aaron and then…

Aaron. He had missed their date. What must Aaron think of him for not turning up? Would Aaron be concerned about him, thinking that something had happened to him? Or would he believe that Robert had abandoned him proving everyone right that Robert was only after one thing? 

Surely, Aaron must think the former. He had to think think the former; however, Robert knew how it would look. There would be the usual suspects willing to jump in and tell Aaron a bulky, ‘I told you so.’ They’d all try to poison Aaron’s mind of him to believe that this is what Robert would do because he was selfish and vindictive. 

But Robert had to cling on to the words spoken the previous night; the way that he had moved inside Aaron; the way that they had declared their love in such an open and honest manner. The way they had spoken about Robert moving back into the Mill and them trying to work at their relationship again. 

He had to cling on to Aaron, his ray of hope in all the darkness, because he had nothing else to cling on to. So he pictured Aaron - beautiful Aaron - smiling at him in a montage of different places and scenarios but one thing abundantly clear in each image: Aaron was in love with him. It sparkled in Aaron’s eyes making the blue glitter like the sea being caught in the summer sun. 

Aaron would find him, would know exactly what had happened or at least that he was missing. Ever since the beginning of their relationship - even as far back as their affair - Aaron could look into Robert’s eyes and see right into his soul, could tell when he was spouting bullshit and call him on it. That was one of the things he loved about Aaron: he knew everything about Robert, the light and the darkness, and loved him regardless of it. And that in turn made Robert love Aaron even more than he ever thought possible. Aaron was pure and loyal and decent. He was everything that Robert wanted in a relationship, but he never realised it until Aaron had rocked the very foundations of his world. 

The sound of the door opening tore through the eerie silence of the hanger and Robert didn’t know whether he should pretend to be unconscious or give whoever was holding him hostage a sample of his sarcastic put-downs.

Feeling bold and realising that if his kidnapper was intent on harming him they would have done so by now, Robert decided that he would allow himself a look. 

Whoever had him hostage was wearing a hooded coat covering his head. Hard footsteps echoed around the empty hanger. Their noise grew louder as the man came closer and closer. It wasn’t until the kidnapper was right in front of Robert, that Robert could actually make out who he was. The features were blurry until he was an arm away, but as soon as the man took off his hood, Robert was met with blond hair and dark blue-green eyes shaded with a manic look. 

Si. 

Dishevelled was an understatement: his hair might have been unkempt due to his hood, but that wasn’t the only tell-tale sign. A dusting of blond fluff surrounded his mouth and he looked like he hadn’t slept in days with the crescent-shaped craters that were under his eyes. 

‘I see you’re still alive.’

‘I’m like a cat with nine lives.’ Robert tried the words on for a best fit and realised that his voice sounded gruff and hoarse in his head, but that his jaw hurt when he moved it. He didn’t want to give Si the benefit of knowing that he wasn’t less than stellar, so he continued speaking. ‘Quite pathetic really only being able to get anywhere with Aaron when I’m tied to a chair and locked up. I was right. You are a poor man’s version of me.’ 

No rhetoric escaped Si’s mouth, but he moved closer to Robert until he was invading Robert’s personal space. The smell emanating from Si was a mixture of beer, fags and dirty sweat that had Robert the freedom to move away, he would. But since he didn’t have that option, Robert pretended that he could smell freshly cut grass or freshly baked bread. He breathed in and raised his eyebrows in a challenge, despite it causing more agony on his face. He didn’t want to give the little shit the satisfaction of knowing he was winning. 

‘You cocky arsehole. You won’t be laughing soon.’

Si clenched his hand into a fist and pushed it through the air towards the direction of Robert’s stomach. 

Agony radiated from his stomach towards the rest of his body. It was throbbing and sore, which made him wince. If he could double over and protect his stomach again, he would do but that wasn’t an option. He closed his eyes hoping that when he opened them again, he would be back in the Mill, in Aaron’s bed, in Aaron’s arms.

After there was no movement for ten seconds, Robert said with a heavy throat, ‘Why am I here?’

‘Why do you think?’

‘I don’t know that’s why I asked.’ It was only after the words had exited his mouth that he knew they could have been perceived as sarcastic. He was waiting for another beating, while cursing his hostile words. He opened his eyelids wanting to look Si in the eyes the next time he got attacked. 

Si moved back into his personal space again, mouth inches away from Robert’s ear. ‘I warned you, didn’t I?’ The words were barely audible but controlled and calm, nonetheless. ‘I told you to stay away from Aaron and if you didn’t, something bad would happen to you. Well, this is the something bad. And, Robert, you will be wishing you hadn’t crossed me at all.’ Si tapped his hand on Robert’s chest twice before moving away to a more respectable distance between the two of them. 

‘Whatever you do to me, leave Aaron alone from all of this. ’Cos if I find out you’ve laid a finger on his head, that will be the last thing you ever do.’ Robert could feel himself getting wound up like a coil at the thought that this psycho could ever hurt Aaron. 

‘You’re in no position to be making a threat.’ Si’s lips arched up in a contemptuous curl and his gaze was unwavering as it rested on Robert. 

‘I mean it. Don’t you dare hurt Aaron.’

‘I wouldn’t dream of hurting Aaron. I love him.’ A wild gaze fixed itself across Si’s features and despite Si’s declaration, Robert didn’t think anyone was safe when it came to Si getting what he wanted. 

And he was left with that thought and loads of time on his tied-up hands as Si walked out of the hanger banging the door behind him.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron is feeling sick with worry about where Robert is...

Every few minutes he checked his phone hoping for some form of contact from Robert. But each time he was met with no new messages and no missed calls, his heart sunk further into the floorboards. Where was Robert? It didn’t seem like him to miss a date, especially since they had only got back together a few days ago. 

He was trying to remain calm, reiterating to himself that Robert was safe somewhere, but since there had been no sign of Robert for the last seven hours, Aaron didn’t know what else he could do or what else he could think. 

Wandering down to Keepers Cottage, he didn’t know what he’d be met with when he got there. A safe Robert was his number one priority and even if Robert had changed his mind about starting their relationship again, Aaron knew relief would flood through his entire body if Robert was still alive but didn’t want them to be together any more. But what if Robert wasn’t safe? What if Vic hadn’t seen him in days? No matter how many positive thoughts swirled through his brain, one thought still recurred like a bad case of sickness and diarrhea: Robert could be in mortal danger. 

Not able to put his finger on exactly why he thought this, Aaron closed his eyes trying to compose himself and inhaled a lungful of air. The extra oxygen did nothing to calm down his racing heart that was galloping away at Grand National speed. He bit his bottom lip before knocking on Vic’s door. 

There was no answer. 

He knocked again, harder and quicker this time. Vic obviously had no urgency to answer the door, so Aaron banged a third time.

The light came on in the hallway and finally Vic opened the door. ‘Where’s the fire?’

‘Have you seen Robert?’ He didn’t concern himself with pleasantries but got straight to the point. 

‘What? I thought he was with you.’

‘So you haven’t seen him then?’

‘Nope, not at all.’ A crinkle appeared in her forehead. 

Tears were forming behind his eyes and he tried to blink them back while swallowing the lump that was becoming more prominent in his throat. 

‘Is all his stuff still here?’ He had to ask even though he knew what the answer was going to be; however, Robert and his belongings gone was a better option than Robert lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Anything was better than Robert dead. 

He rattled his head from side to side trying to erase that image from his brain. No, he didn’t want to think about that at all. He didn’t want to contemplate it because then he’d slowly die inside. 

‘I think so. Go right up and have a look.’

He climbed the stairs, feet barely touching each step before moving on to the next one. When he opened the door to Robert’s room, he was met with Robert in every corner. The bed was made, and Robert’s belongings were adorning the bed, chair and bedside table. Robert’s spicy, oakwood scent was palpable in the air, as though he had just sprayed it that moment - a smell that Aaron missed so much that his stomach hurt with the longing for Robert. 

Aaron was awash with emotion, especially when his eyes drank in the picture that was on the bedside table: it was a photo from their wedding, the picture of the two of them smiling at the camera and Robert with a drink in his hand. Their smiles were wider than they had ever been before and he could see the sparkle of happiness and love in both their eyes. That look had returned to both their faces after that first time in their bed a few days ago when they had become reacquainted with each other’s bodies. He longed to see that look in Robert’s eyes again. 

He longed to see Robert again safe and sound - that was his main priority. 

Robert had originally kept that photo on his desk at the portacabin saying it was his favourite picture of the two of them. The fact that Robert still had a copy of that picture displayed on his bedside table meant that everything Aaron had been certain about was true. Robert hadn’t left him for a better life elsewhere after getting bored once they had slept together. No, he hadn’t done that at all. But then that was obvious with the way they had thrown themselves back into their relationship like the last five years hadn’t happened - addicted to each other again and trying to sate their hunger for each other, but never actually being able to because he would always want Robert. But now he wanted Robert safe. 

He clung onto the fact that Robert still loved him to give him the strength he needed, that strength would help him find where Robert was.

‘Something’s happened to him, Vic. I can feel it.’ Had his lungs given up their job because he was struggling to breathe? 

‘Maybe he’s just running late,’ she said.

‘Seven hours late for a date? I don’t think so.’ He grabbed Robert’s favourite picture and barged past Vic, who was stood in the doorway. 

‘Where are you going?’ she shouted after him. 

‘To find Robert.’ He charged down the stairs. 

‘Have you any idea where he went today?’ She followed him down the stairs before grabbing onto his arm. ‘Aaron, wait. You’re really scaring me.’

He continued storming out of the house and ran down the village until he got to his car outside the Mill. Hotten was where Robert had been heading to that day to do a few errands. So Hotten was Aaron’s destination now. As he was pulling down Main Street, he noticed Vic standing in the middle of the street. He pulled up and allowed her to get in the car before speeding away out of Emmerdale. They needed to find Robert and quickly because time could be playing an important factor in whether they found him alive or dead.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert in the darkened hanger...

The hanger was dark, so it must have been night time. Or perhaps it was dark because Robert had his eyes closed. What was the point in looking out at the darkness when it was so vast and never-ending? Like looking into the abyss and hoping for something cheerier and brighter. 

There was nothing to look forward to. Robert knew he would eventually die in the hanger. He couldn’t remember the last time Si had graced Robert with his scintillating presence. Days? Weeks? Or maybe it had only been hours? Time seemed to pause, elongated until each millisecond felt like years.

All he knew was that his whole body was in agony. His shoulders were sore; his back ached like he’d been carrying mountains up a flight of stairs. The searing pain in his stomach had lessened, which made him think it had been days instead of hours that he’d been sat there. 

The monotony was slowly making him go mad. He must be going mad because why else would he constantly be hearing Aaron’s voice and seeing Aaron’s beautiful face. 

‘You’ve got to remain hopeful for me, Rob. So I can find you and we can be together.’

Aaron leaned in and ruffled Robert’s lank and lifeless hair. Robert sniffed and pretended that he could smell the sandalwood of Aaron’s aroma. It was his favourite smell but he knew all he could smell was his own sweat, tears and urine. 

Aaron leaned in further, ready to kiss Robert on the lips. But just before their lips clashed, Robert’s whole body jolted and his eyes jumped open. 

He took in the dark surroundings of the hanger and his heart sunk into the ground. He was alone, like he knew he would be. 

No Aaron. No kiss. No rescue mission. 

Tears filled his eyes and escaped, leaving a watery track down his face. He wasn’t normally a crier - only ever crying when it came to his feelings for Aaron and not being able to have him - but this was one instant where he had to cry. 

Terror. 

That was one word to describe what his whole body was weighed down with. There was no way he would get out alive. Si had made that perfectly clear with his terms: it was either Robert dead or Aaron’s unwavering love. However, Aaron would never agree to give Si another chance nevermind telling him he loved Si. Therefore, Robert knew that he would die. 

He closed his eyes and willed himself to fall asleep. He willed himself to dream that Aaron was saving him. Dreaming of Aaron was so much better than waiting for Death to take him.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Vic search for Robert.

Time had never seemed so precious but with each passing minute, Aaron felt the noose getting tighter around his neck. It didn’t help that every word uttered by Vic was rubbing him up the wrong way, stinging like someone pouring alcohol over an open wound. 

‘What if he’s lying helpless somewhere and we don’t find him in time?’

He didn’t answer because answering would then make her worries more real and give them an importance he didn’t want to handle. Pushing his foot on the accelerator pedal, Aaron’s car flew round the corner. 

‘God, Aaron! I’d like us to be alive when we find Robert. I really do hope we find him alive. He’s the only brother I have left - what with Andy being MIA and on the run. Whoever’s taken him will have their guts for garters, if he’s not alive when we get there.’

‘Vic, will you just shut up!’ The words didn’t come out in a question but in a loud, annoyed shout. They were followed with tears streaming down his face, the salty liquid seeping into his mouth while his throat constricted. Despite the lump in his throat, he continued talking through his sobs. ‘Please.’ He took a big gulp. His hand hurried away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. ‘Please stop talking about him being dead. I can’t… I can’t even…’

The road was a watery blur, which meant he had to pull over at their layby of all places. 

Parked up he let the worried and scared thoughts take over the whole of his body until each fear tightening around his chest was bled out through his eyes. He felt Vic’s arms around him, her hand soothing the tight muscles around his neck. 

‘After wasting so much time being apart, I can’t bear the thought that he’s out there dead. I can’t have you saying those words. So please stop saying them.’

‘Alright.’ She nodded in agreement, her voice cooing and soothing him. 

‘Thank you,’ he said in a barely audible tone.

Within a matter of minutes they were back on the road and on the way to Hotten. Once there, they scoured every car park Robert used in the hopes that his car would be somewhere. Anywhere.

However, each car park search came up fruitless. The overwhelming sickness and icy chill in his stomach was now taking over the whole of his body. 

Robert’s car had to be somewhere. It couldn’t have just disappeared. 

Aaron tried to delve into the depths of his mind and pull out any other car parks that Robert could have gone to. Perhaps a car park that Robert had once tried when there had been a festival on in Hotten and their normal car park had been closed? One that was close to their hairdressers? Or one that was at their local supermarket? His brain didn’t seem to want to work and couldn’t recall any of the new or different car parks that were in Hotten. Each time he closed his eyes, all he could think about was Robert injured and frightened for his life and being alone.

Vic didn’t say anything when each hopeful car park became another sullen one. She seemed resigned to the fact that they weren’t going to find Robert like it was a foregone conclusion. Like the ending of Robert’s life had been written, the final chapter closed, but they were waiting on the publishing date to find out the details. 

Instead of going down the Hotten Bypass, Aaron took a detour. He could have focused on the cars and the pedestrians around him, but his mind flashed back to the previous day and the last time he had seen Robert. 

They had been so happy and still so much in love after all the time they had spent apart. That day couldn’t be the the last time he’d see Robert. He focused on what they could do together when they found him. They could go to Leeds festival or finally go on that weekend away to Barcelona. They could spend weekend mornings snuggled up together, exploring each other’s bodies and then eating brunch at the cafe. A hand on Robert’s thigh or fingers interlaced as they drink their morning coffee. Robert teasing him about his obsession with toast. That insulting, flirty banter that left tingles throughout her stomach every time they passed it back and forth like it was a game of tennis. Or seeing Liv rolling her eyes at them when they had been extra noisy the night before. 

‘Aaron! Aaron!’ 

There was tug at his elbow, but he ignored it. His mind went back to Robert. _Hold on, Robert. I will be there for you. I will find you. And I will love you forever until the end of time._

‘Aaron! Aaron!’ 

The pull on his elbow was persistent and becoming rather annoying. 

He turned to Vic. ‘What?’ 

‘Look.’ She pointed as they drove past Robert’s car at the nearest layby. 

Without looking around, Aaron did an emergency stop, yanked his car into reverse and drove back. He started unbuttoning his seatbelt before he even stopped the car. 

He ran over to Robert’s car where the driver’s door was wide open and blood was splattered all over the seat and the steering wheel. They had found the car, now they had to find Robert. 

Aaron took out his mobile and dialled 999.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Si goes to visit Aaron...

He couldn’t keep away from Aaron, that much was obvious, so he feigned a reason to go to the Mill. 

‘Si, what are you doing here?’ Surprise, disappointment and sadness were mixed with unshed tears in Aaron’s eyes. ‘If you’re here for another chance, it’s still over.’

‘Oh, I know it’s over.’ He was playing the long game so would never actually admit to it. Appearing to be Aaron’s friend was imperative, if his plan was going to succeed. He had to show sympathy and empathy, so he let concern swell into his voice. ‘Are you alright? I saw you near the Hotten Bypass yesterday. Police were around a car. Has something happened?’

‘It’s nothing.’ 

Even in his moments of hell, Aaron was still not sharing his thoughts with Si. Would he ever reciprocate Si’s love? It was relentless and rather annoying, all this apparent love Aaron felt for a man who was a worthless piece of shit. For a man still hanging on to life, still giving him lip about how Si would never be worthy of Aaron’s love. 

While things seemed far from his plan, Si would make Robert and Aaron do what he wanted: Robert would learn when to shut his smarmy mouth; Aaron would learn to love Si. The former was nearly coming to fruition. The latter would just take time, which was fine as Si could be very patient when he really wanted something. 

Aaron was perfect and should have been his already. Aaron’s love had been within his grasp until Robert had ruined everything with his ample arse, beguiling eyes and winning smile. Nobody had teeth that perfect or an arse that filled jeans in that way. Watching Aaron fluttering his eyes at Robert made Si clench his fists in fury. But what really boiled the blood coursing through his veins was the way Aaron’s icy veneer melted away into hot goo at one look from Robert, especially when Aaron had still been a Siberian wind towards Si. 

Aaron’s attention was on his hands, inspecting every line of his knuckles, before he pressed a button on his phone and the screen lit up to reveal a picture Si had never seen before. Gone were the days when his wallpaper was a picture of a fancy car. Instead his phone was adorned with a loving image of his lips on Robert’s with both of them showing off naked torsos and surrounded by Aaron’s bedsheets. It must have been a recent selfie: one taken after their recent reunion. 

Bile caught in Si’s throat. There was waiting for Aaron to look at him in a loving way, and then there was _that_. 

He threw out a dagger knowing that it would impale Aaron’s heart. ‘It must be something. Is it to do with Robert?’

At Robert’s name, Aaron looked up from his hands. ‘What makes you think that?’ Fresh tears swelled to the surface of his eyes as the words caught in his throat. 

A smirk was itching at Si’s mouth, but he bit his lips to keep it from taking over the whole of his face. ‘Well, it was Robert’s car, wasn’t it, that the police were sniffing around?’

‘I don’t want to talk about it. You need to leave. I have nothing more to say to you.’ The door was being closed, nearly pushing into Si’s body, but this wasn’t the way the story was meant to end. 

He stuck his foot out, wedging it between the door and frame. ‘If he’s been missing for days, maybe it’s just an elaborate ruse to say he doesn’t want to be with you any more. If you ask me, he’s a wanker. You need to forget him.’

‘I didn’t ask for your opinion.’ Aaron’s tone was terse and acerbic. It matched the look that his eyes were drenched in. They were cold and dark. ‘Move your foot away from the door.’

‘Oh, sorry. Was my foot in the way?’ He feigned ignorance and moved it away, as the door closed in his face. 

This wasn’t over. Not by a long shot. 

***

Aaron couldn’t ignore the way Si had said those words, but the fact that he’d even uttered them felt like he was being taunted. 

_If you ask me, he’s a wanker. You need to forget about him._

Especially as Aaron had caught him with a big smile on his face, as though Robert being missing was the funniest thing in the world. Call it a gut reaction or something like that. 

All he knew was that Si was creepy. Yeah, he might have been sharing his bed with the man on and off for the last year, but he had smothered any negative thoughts about the Robert doppelgänger because they were linked to how Si wasn’t Robert and never would be. Why try focusing on an arduous task like pushing the sun away and commanding it not to shine when it would ignore your request? That was how it had been trying to be in any relationship with someone who wasn’t Robert: like he had to deny his natural instinct and force himself to do things that he never wanted to do. 

Why had Si even come round the house? To pretend that he was concerned about yesterday? That was a whole load of crap. 

It seemed strange that not long after Robert and Aaron had got back together that Robert had disappeared. 

Could it have something to do with Si? Surely not? But why not? He could be a psycho underneath. Aaron didn’t really know him or what he was capable of. If Si wanted to be with Aaron, and Robert was getting in the way, he could have lashed out at his rival. 

Anger was pulsating through his whole body. He should have it out with Si, and by have it out he meant beating the answer out of him. In the past, he would have quite happily done that. The feeling of pain inflicted on Si would have been quite cathartic. Now, though, it didn’t seem like the wise option. If Si was the live-wire that Aaron feared he was, beating him up could end up getting Robert killed. 

No, what he needed to do was be cute and clever about the situation. The only way that he could really find out what Si was up to would be to follow him: stake out his flat, work and any other place Si decided to visit. Instead of going to sleep - sleep was pointless and a waste of time when Robert was missing and every minute was precious - he decided to make a plan. He was going to need to borrow a car to make him look inconspicuous. 

When sun rise finally appeared, he went to Vic’s house to request her car. She gave him a look that was a cocktail of worry and bewilderment. Seven words seemed to settle her nerves: ‘I think I know where Robert is.’

‘What? How? I thought the police were doing their own investigation.’ Her eyes widened so that the whites of her eyes glistened under her hall lighting. 

‘Sod, the police. I’m following Si. I think he knows where Robert is.’

She handed him her keys. If she suggested going with him, he was going to walk away. He couldn’t keep an eye out for Robert, look after his own safety and make sure she didn’t come to any harm. 

‘Be careful. And let’s hope that we’ll find him soon.’

He nodded before running off to the car.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert can hear voices again that sound like Aaron...
> 
> A mini chapter.

‘Robert! Robert!’ 

The noise was faint and barely audible, but Robert heard it. It sounded like Aaron, but it couldn’t be because he was awake. Wasn’t he? 

‘Robert? Please wake up, Robert!’

There was the sound again. Still faint and still like it was coming from the end of a very long, dark tunnel. It wasn’t going to get any closer, and Aaron wasn’t going to miraculously appear. 

Aaron never appeared no matter how many times Robert dreamt of Aaron coming to rescue him. His dreams - they featured Aaron in the starring role so they were always dreams even when the majority of their content would definitely have been rated a nightmare - always ended with Aaron not being able to save him and never rescuing him. 

He couldn’t recall how many times he had woken up to find that he was still tied up, staring at the dark abyss of the hanger. He’d even tried to stop himself from falling asleep because he knew he didn’t want to ever wake up and not be without Aaron. But then he had nothing to do on the seat except close his eyes and dose in and out. 

‘God, Robert! You really need to wake up. Please. I can’t do this without you.’ It was getting louder, harsher and more hurried. ‘I can’t carry you on my own.’

That was a deviation from his normal dreams. Aaron had never tried to carry him. They had always ran out together until Si had caught up with them and imprisoned both of them. Perhaps this was a new dream - one that would end in them escaping in reality as well as in his dream. 

‘Rob, please say you can hear me.’ This was the loudest it had ever been and the desperation was palpable in each syllable that Aaron uttered. 

‘Aaron?’ It was quiet and low that he wasn’t sure the words had left his mouth. He tried again. ‘Aaron?’ He tried to open his eyes, but they were still painful due to the last time Si had taken his anger out on Robert’s face. 

It was blurry and dull, but he could see a figure in front of him. 

There was a sigh that Robert realised wasn’t his own. ‘Robert, can you hear me?’

He nodded his head. 

‘I’m going to get you out of here, I promise.’

Warm hands tugged at the ropes around his wrist. The rope digging into them was finally released. He could feel blood rushing into each one of his fingers. He wiggled them around at ease, enjoying the feeling of his circulation working again.

This dream was a strange one: he was never given the sensory version. But his senses were over-whelmed with urine and sweat and Aaron’s sandalwood aroma. He wanted to pinch his own skin, but his arms were being lifted up around someone’s neck. 

Aaron’s. 

It was Aaron. 

Aaron was here to save him.

**Author's Note:**

> Any comments or feedback are greatly appreciated.


End file.
